Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 Review (Minor Spoilers)

Not this shit again

 THE MOVIE: CRITIC'S TAKE

I heard a lot about this movie. Mostly from virgin teenagers. They were like " All my Godddddddddddddddddddddddd it's Twilight. Bella and Edward are getting married. Do you know how long Bella's been trying to bone Edward? All my goooooooooooooooooood!" It's f**cking sickening. Given the hype I had no choice but to see this film. It's not a bad film all around but that's because I'm a Kristen Stewart fan and she's one of the few reasons why I do watch the films. This one is worth a watch but if you're not in the age bracket... wait for video.

STORY

It begins with the wedding invitations being sent out. Some people are happy and others are furious. Most of the beginning is a long drawn out piece of their wedding and honeymoon. That's when Edward goes ape $hit on Bella's vagina. After the rough sex and Jacob's crying she begins to feel ill. They sense something is wrong and Bella quickly finds out that she's pregnant. I guess Edward is superdick after all.

The Collins try to hide it but that never works. The wolves find out about it and wants to kill Bella. Jacob comes to her aide to defend her but this alpha male may not be enough. The baby inside is growing fast and it looks like it's sucking the life out of Bella. Not only that the royal vampires are going to pay a visit and they are showing their nasty side. How will all this turn out? Watch the movie and find out!

ACTING

It sucked. All the acting for Twilight movies suck. What I really enjoyed was Dakota Fanning and her mob squad. They were fun to watch and the highlight of the film. I wish there was more screen time for them but they gave enough I guess. I just wish the others was just as good.

SPECIAL EFFECTS

For this type of movie you would expect some good effects. There wasn't really but the editing job, birth scene, and imagery will blow your mind. I'm surprised this movie got a PG 13 rating. The love scene alone was hard to watch. I wonder if they will make a directors cut of the movie. Probably not. They still want kids to watch.

WRITING AND DIRECTING

The film was written by Melissa Rosenberg. The plot is stupid and the dialog is worse. If it wasn't for all the cute teen look a likes in this film this movie would flop. The directing was done nicely though. I loved the fight scenes and how they showed their love for one another. I think Bill Condon directed this film better than any other. I just wish the writing was too.

THE END

If you're into this kind of stuff then go see it. You might actually like it. If you're not then wait for video. I'm sure this movie will open big and the teens will flood the theater. I'm just glad I got to see it before then. I fear for the next generation.

OVERALL

STORY - 6 out of 10
ACTING 5 out of 10
SPECIAL EFFECTS 7 out of 10
WRITING 5 out of 10
DIRECTING 7 out of 10

OVERALL 6 out of 10 (YOU'RE GOING TO SEE IT ANYWAY)


The next generation
Freaking Teens
Like these two
Or NOT!
O Edawrd you are SUPERDICK

HAPPY FEET TWO REVIEW (MINOR SPOILERS)

Awesome!

THE MOVIE: CRITIC'S TAKE

I'm not a fan of animated movies. As a matter of fact I think they are silly. That has a lot to do with the fact that I'm not a kid anymore. None the less I saw the film and liked it. It's really one of the few animated films that I think the whole family will enjoy. If you're not taking your teen daughter to see Twilight this movie is for you. That's if you have kids of course.

STORY

EEK! What can I say about this? I don't even think that this film has a plot. The movie starts with a fun routine before we learn that Mumble, played be Elijah Wood, has grown up and now has a kid. His son wonders off with Robin Williams character and meets up with a few friends. This worries Mumbles for a moment but quickly finds them. They all have to return to their iceberg to finish their travels. Too bad their iceberg has succumb to a wave and needs to be rescued. They enlist some friends to help but it seems to be a lost cause. Can the penguins find their way back home or will they be stuck forever. Here's a little spoiler for you so don't read if you don't want to be spoiled. Ok?






I'm warning you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One of them can fly!

ACTING

This movie was fun to watch due to all the good actors involved. Everyone had chemistry and it sounded like they were having fun. Robin Williams is his crazy self and keeps the film flowing. I loved the interactions between Elijah and Pink. They seemed so cute together. Overall the acting here is just adorable.

SPECIAL EFFECTS

The special effects here are breathtaking. The 3D is a must see here. It rivals Rango with its crisp detail and scenery. You will love the dance routines that also came with 3D. Your kids will love this version of Happy Feet. Maybe even you.

WRITING AND DIRECTING

This film was written by George Miller and too many writers to mention. The writing here was indeed a let down. The plot is non existent and some of the dialog was just plain sad. The actors made up for it though with their ability to take crap and turn it into gold. At least George did not fail with the directing part. He was able to capture the 3D without any problems and everything flowed well. I'm still scratching my head around the plot though.

THE END

I would take the kids to see it. They will eat it up. It's a fun film to watch and nothing goes over the top. The 3D is nice and the acting is enjoyable. You can always sneak into Twilight later.

OVERALL

STORY 3 out of 10
ACTING 7 out of 10
SPECIAL EFFECTS 8 out of 10
WRITING 5 out of 10
DIRECTING 7 out of 10

OVERALL 6 out of 10 (WORTH BRINGING THE FAMILY)


MAYBE
Like this
TURN AWAY NOW

JACK AND JILL MOVIE REVIEW (MINOR SPOILERS)

Why?

THE MOVIE: THE CRITIC'S TAKE

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! WOW! Adam Sandler must need a payday if he thinks this movie was a good idea. Haven't we seen this about 5 times already? I don't understand why these types of movies are being made. Most of them aren't that funny and just about every comedian makes their way into this field. When I saw it I wasn't expecting much and that's exactly what I got. O and a bunch of silly commercials. Like Really Adam? REALLY!

STORY

Jack is a successful man no matter how you cut it. He has a beautiful wife and family, has a kickass job, and lives in a nice neighborhood. Too bad he is in hot water at his job and it looks like he might get canned. His boss flat out told him if you don't get Al Pacino to do a Dunkin Donuts commercial your career might be terminated. This puts him in a tough situation and doesn't know how to get someone like that to help him. To make matters worse his twin sister, Jill, comes to pay a visit.

His twin sister is well f**cking ugly! She has a great attitude though. Everyone seems to love her but Jack. He finds her annoying and a pain in the ass. Her antics only motivate him to search for good old AL and try to convince him to do the gig. He tells him no until he meets his lovely sister. He falls head over feet for her and she oddly does the same. Jack can't believe his eyes and neither could we.

He uses this to his advantage and tries to get Al to do his bidding. Too bad Jill might be rethinking her decision which gives Jack a scare. Can Jack save his career and keep these two unlikely love birds together? Will Jill ruin Jack's life? This is the part where I say head to the theater to find out but I don't want you to suffer.

ACTING

The acting here wasn't bad. Adam did have chemistry with everyone and Katie and Al made the film tolerable. It's the laughs and antics that was stupid. I think they tried too hard to come off as funny. There's a lot of hit and misses here that the actors couldn't hide it. It's a shame because with all these talented actors this department should have scored higher. It was an overall fail.

SPECIAL EFFECTS

The effects here was pretty decent. Seeing two Adam Sandlers almost made me vomit. The colors are beaming and the scenery is an eye catcher. I love all the different wardrobes and how they got Al Pacino to do his thing in old fashioned clothes. The film would be watchable if the movie wasn't so bad.

WRITING AND DIRECTING

The film was written by Adam and Steve Koren. They put together a lack luster story that flops. The dialog is sloppy and the antics aren't always that funny. At least the director, Dennis Dugan, showed what he could do. The movie is filmed nicely and it seems that he was having fun with the camera. I can see Dennis directing more movies. I just hope Adam isn't a part of it.

THE END

Wait for Netflix. It isn't worth your money. It does have some funny moments but not enough to garner coughing up 10 or more bucks to see this film. Movies like this need to stop because It's a waste of money and time. I just hope Hollywood gets the memo.

OVERALL


STORY - 4 out of 10
ACTING 6 out of 10
SPECIAL EFFECTS 7 out of 10
WRITING - 4 out of 10
DIRECTING 7 out of 10


OVERALL 5 out of 10 (SKIP IT)


VOMIT
Like this scene
WTF
Yuck

11-11-11 Review (Minor Spoilers)

This can't be good

THE MOVIE: CRITIC'S TAKEThis movie was released quietly without a lot of buzz. In order to see this film you literally will have to search high and low to find where this movie is playing. When I saw the trailer I was intrigued by the look of the film and the story itself. This is a low budget film that delivers some decent scares and jumps. It is written and directed by the same director from the saw series. It has enough scares and jumps to satisfy any horror fan. I want to call it a decent film for a late night scare but overall it was a bore.

STORY

Plagued by thoughts of his dying family, a successful author by the name of Joesph, played by Tim Gibbs, is having a hard time writing his next book. His family died in a fire caused by an unknown source. He tries attending support groups to help deal with his lose. It doesn't help and he's still has a lose of faith. He has an annoying friend that tries to put him on the right path but all he does is piss him off. He begins to see signs of 11-11-11 all around him. He doesn't know why he sees them and thinks it's just his imagination. It wasn't until his brother called when things got really crazy.

He has to return home to tend to their dying father. There he learned some dirty secrets from the bible that caused a lot of people from the church to leave. Joe continues to find strange things about the bible and his family. The local residents aren't helping him with his questions and he keeps on seeing occult like signs that are driving him insane. O and did I mention that there is a devilish like creature stalking him!

Once learned that this haunting had something to do with his family's death he has no choice but to find all the answers. It seems something big is coming for him and he begins to take precaution. The question is will it be enough? The scares were decent but I can't say that this was a fun ride. I wanted to get off half way.

ACTING

The acting here was unimpressive. It seemed like no one cared about this film. The chemistry was lacking everywhere the camera turned. After just a few minutes I was freaking bored to death. These actors should be ashamed! ASSHOLES!!!

SPECIAL EFFECTS

The special effects was done well at least. This film is gritty and dark and it helped hide the low budget makeup. The film relied heavily on smoke and mirrors to give you scares. I can only pick out a few scenes where you can tell that this movie needed more money but overall it's nothing to complain about. This was the only good thing about the film.

WRITING AND DIRECTING

The film was written and directed by Darren Lynn Bousman. This was not one of his best films. The dialog is not satisfying and the pace of the film is quite a drag. The directing wasn't better either. It looked like Darren lost his touch and tried to make a Uwe Boll film. I hope he will get his act together because this was a disappointment.

THE END

It's a waste of time. It does have its moments but overall it's not a great film to see in theaters. I wouldn't even buy the DVD. I would wait for cable or Netflix. You aren't missing anything special.

OVERALL


STORY 4 out of 10
ACTING 3 out of 10
SPECIAL EFFECTS 5 out of 10
WRITING - 4 out of 10
DIRECTING 5 out of 10


OVERALL 4 out of 10 (SKIP IT)



This includes you!
I would be scared too
Like this

A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas (Minor Spoilers)

THE STORY: CRITIC'S TAKE

The first two films were food for the retarded and drugged up mind. This film is no different. When I heard about it I thought Oh My God not again. These two goofballs can not be at it again. Adding Christmas to it just made it that much stupider. What I mean by stupider is... it's freaking great!

STORY

It seems as though that Harold and Kumar has drifted apart. Kumar is getting married to a woman named Maria and Harold has become a successful business man. Kumar is able to find santa at his local mall and asks him a bunch of questions. The only real answer santa gave him was found in the blunt that santa made for him. Meanwhile at their old place, Kumar recieves a package. Within that package is the mother of all weed. Harold is impaled to deliver the package personally. This proves to be a huge mistake because Kumar is trying to change his ways and o yeah they manage to burn down Kumar's Christmas tree!

That Christmas tree was given to him by his father-in-law. The father wanted his daughter to have a Christmas that he never had. Harold has no choice but to find a similar tree or the father will kick his ass! Kumar feeling guilty tries to help but only made things worse. This leads to them getting kidnapped, shooting santa, seeing some hot ass, and spending time with their old friend Neil! It was one wild time!

The party had to end though and the quest for the Christmas tree didn't have a happy ending. Kumar now has to face the dreaded father in law and wonder if he has finally ruined his life. Harold has to make a big choice that will lead him to an old flame. Will everything end well with these two weed heads? Go see the film in 3D if you haven't already!

ACTING

The acting here was pretty good. You knew that Kal and John would have great chemistry. Neil was as funny as ever and added a lot to the film. I didn't like the women in this movie though. They just seemed so stall and boring. Thankfully the movie didn't follow suit.

SPECIAL EFFECTS

This film had good action throughout. The 3D was pretty good and eye popping. They did over due the 3D though and a thought some of it wasn't needed. It's about time we saw some X rated 3D in a comedy. That can poke my eyes out any day.

WRITING AND DIRECTING

The film was written by Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg. They did a decent job with the laughs. This movie is over the top but that is what made this film such a success. The film was directed by Todd Strauss-Schulson. He didn't bring anything special to this film. Any director could do what he did and it seems he relied to hard on the 3D to hide his inexperience. The story did flow nicely though and the movie isn't too long. The director must be happy.

THE END

It's a decent film to see when you're high or tipsy. You probably wouldn't enjoy it to it's fullest potential while sober. It's a good late night movie with buddies. You'll have a good time. Just don't forget to light up first before going to see it. With the 3D things will get crazy!

OVERALL

STORY 5 out of 10
ACTING 7 out of 10
SPECIAL EFFECTS 8 out of 10
WRITING 7 out of 10
DIRECTING 5 out of 10

OVERALL 6 out of 10 (GIVE IT A TRY)


He had these guys
As you can see
Film saviors!
Things can't get worse?
O Shit!
Weed Heads Rejoice

Tower Heist Review (Minor Spoilers)

Pretty funny!

THE MOVIE: CRITIC'S TAKE

This movie had a lot of screenings and I was lucky enough to catch one. This movie looked promising from the trailers as well. Eddie Murphy looked funny as hell and Tea Leoni was as witty as usual. The story line seemed funny enough to give me, and hopefully many others, a great laugh. I had good expectations walking into this one. This movie wasn't as funny as it could be but it still gave the audience a good amount of laughs. This is definitely a must see this weekend!



STORY

Josh, played by Ben Stiller, is a manager at the most expensive apartment complex in North America. He leads a team of ass kissers for the rich and famous. He trusts a very rich wall street broker to invest his co workers pension so he could triple it. He falls victim to the stock broker's scam and loses everyone's money. The guilt didn't fully sit in until one of his co workers actually tried to kill himself. In Josh's mind vengeance was in order.

This means war!

He goes up to the man that screwed him over and asks if it was all true. The man didn't give a damn about anyone and was just plain rude and disrespectful to josh and his people. Josh decides to go APE $HIT on his most prized possession that leads to Josh's firing. This just gave Josh and his assoicates the leaverage and time they need to pull off the only heist of their entire lives. He recruits another failed stock broker, his brother-in-law, a Jamaican maid, and the comic relief idiot. Still it wasn't enough so they seeked the advice of another thief named slide, played by Eddie Murphy.

I really don't know what I'm doing

He teaches them how to steal by giving them tests. Unfortunately he has zero experience with cracking safes and had to rely on another team member to teach him. This leads to many problems with the heist that entertained the audience. It's not your normal heist and this film swims in the unpredictable. I won't give away anymore spoilers but this story does not have it's usual happy ending. The ending was far better than I ever expected!

Team of bandits

ACTING

The acting here was ok for the most part. Most of the actors played their roles well. I'm not a fan of Ben Stiller or Matthew Broderick but they both gave believable performances. Eddie Murphy , Tea Leoni, and Gabourey Sidibe made the film what it was and had the best chemistry with everyone. This department was not an overall disappointment.

I want that pool

SPECIAL EFFECTS

Shockingly this movie displayed some eye popping effects. They managed to make every scene look crisp and bright. There is a big action scene involving an elevator, a car, and the roof of the building. That scene looked well done and not fake at all. Despite it being unrealistic for something like that to really happen it looked like it could. That's the real meaning of special effects.

She was ok too

WRITING AND DIRECTING

The writing here was a hit and miss. The dialog was decent but the jokes and gags wasn't. If it wasn't for the actors present this film could have turned out worst. The directing however was good. Brett Ratner did a good job keeping the film focused on the right people and settings. It's not his best directed film but it's not his worst either. It's a decent job by a decent group of workers.

THE END

It's a must see overall. It has it's flaws and the humor is a hit and miss. The acting, however, is good and Eddie Murphy has finally returned to his roots. If you didn't like the last ten of his films then you will love this. It's a decent movie to watch to keep yourself out of the cold and warm your funny bone.

STORY - 7 out of 10
ACTING - 7 out of 10
SPECIAL EFFECTS - 8 out of 10
WRITING - 6 out of 10
DIRECTING - 7 out of 10

OVERALL 7 out 10 (MUST SEE)