Hatchet Review (Minor Spoilers)

Great comedy horror

THE MOVIE: CRITIC'S TAKE

I've heard nothing but good things about this film. It has already been called a cult classic in its young age. I was looking  for some fun entertainment one night and came across this film. I figured I'll give it a view and see for myself if this movie lives up to the hype. I can say it does. It's a fun movie to watch and enjoy. It's not for a weak stomach but it does deliver the goods.

STORY

It begins with a group of kids enjoying Mardi Gras. Ben, played by Joel David Moore, misses his girlfriend so much he refuses to take part in the fun. He wants to go on a haunted ride to take his mind off of his former beloved. His friend Marcus, played by Deon Richmond, thinks it's a dumb idea. He wants to stay and look at some ass and boobs. He stays a true friend and doesn't let Ben go alone. This will prove to be a huge mistake on their parts.

I won't die without a fight!

They find a tour guide and he takes them on their ride. Ben is joined by a pretty girl named Mary Beth, played by Tamara Feldman, who isn't interested in the ride one bit. During the ride the tour guide's boat gets stuck in the swamp. When he tries to get it free one of the passengers gets biten by a gator. When they finally get to shore they encounter a new horror. His name is Victor Crowley and he's one pissed off retard.

A face only a father can love

It turns out that Victor killed Mary Beth's father and brother and she's looking for revenge. Victor is a ghost haunting the swamps due to his untimely and unfair death. He picks everyone off one by one in gruesome and somtimes funny ways. He isn't your average killer because he manly rips them to shreds. Can the following people survive the wrath of Victor Crowley? Watch the film. You won't regret it.

ACTING

For a low budget horror film the acting was great. The chemistry is present from the opening scene till closing. I wasn't expected to be drawn in by the actors involved. Actress Joleigh Fioravanti and Mercedes Mcnab did a great job playing the dumb bimbos. Their chemistry is flawless and it made me laugh at everything they said. I wasn't feeling Tamara as the lead heroin though. She did a decent job with her role but I didn't care if she lived or died. Maybe it wasn't her fault but I was hoping that some of the other characters had lived.

Like these guys

SPECIAL EFFECTS

The special effects were decent for a low budget film like this. The gore is over the top and sometimes stupid. They do show most of the brutality that may leave you cringing. I did like the fact that they didn't shy away from this and that every character got similar treatment. It was a job well done by the department given their budget.

He got it good!

WRITING AND DIRECTING

The film was written and directed by Adam Green. The film has a lot of snappy dialog that will keep you entertained. Every character plays a sterotype that we grew to love or hate and he made a mockery of them. He did this on purpose to make fun of those types of movies. The story is average at best but he manages to keep it flowing at a good pace. I think he did a great job pulling it off making the film fun to watch. His directing however needs improvement. I felt that some scenes could have been shot better or at least use a different frame. It wasn't bad but I could notice that he had trouble getting some shots. Overall he did a fine job.

We all did.

THE END

The film is a must see for any horror fan. It has humor, lots of gore, lots of boobs, and the monster is quite ugly. If you like comedy horror then this film should be on your DVD shelf. You might be upset at the ending though, due to it ending abruptly. No worries! There is a sequel that you can view as well. I know I will.

OVERALL

STORY 5 out of 10
ACTING 7 out of 10
SPEICAL EFFECTS 6 out of 10
WRITING 7 out of 10
DIRECTING 6 out of 10

OVERALL 6 out of 10 (WORTH A VIEW)

Man on a Ledge Review (Minor Spoilers)

Somebody grab a camera!

THE MOVIE: CRITIC'S TAKE


This movie reminds me of Phone Booth. It has a lot of the same elements that made that film enjoyable. I was wondering how they can make a film about a man trying to commit suicide. It had to be more to this than just a lunatic. There is! It's a suspense movie that keeps you at the edge of your seat. Well for the first half of the movie anyway.

STORY


It begins with Nick, played by Sam Worthington, heading to a New York hotel. He is dressed nice and seems to be fine. He goes to his hotel room and begins to climb out of the window. We are treated to flashbacks that tells a little about Nick. He is a former cop who tarnished his career by stealing from a real estate mogul. He escapes his prison cell so he can do one last act to prove his innocence. Leaning off of a ledge should do the trick.

How the hell did I get myself into this?

 He asks to speak with a suicide negotiator that has a back story of her own. Turns out she didn't save a cop's life and now the force doesn't want anything to do with her. Nick figures in order for her to redeem herself she needs to help him prove his innocence. At first she thinks he's full of crap but after further details she learns that he was indeed framed. The question is now by whom? Was it by one of his former partners? The evil mogul that he stole from? Or is it someone else a little bit higher on the food chain? He has his brother helping him find what was thought to be stolen with his hot girlfriend. This story has a lot of twists and turns that keeps you guessing.

ACTING

The acting and chemistry here were nothing like Phone Booth but it was still entertaining. I couldn't feel the chemistry between Sam and Elizabeth Banks.  Ed Harris did a good job as the villain and Jamie Bell did a decent job as the concerned brother. Individually they all did a good job but once the main cast started to interact with one another the spark began to fade.

They all look like ants from up here.

  SPECIAL EFFECTS


This film treated us to a nice chase scene during a funeral. They went through a cemetery and everything. It was great! Most of the effects came from the camera work and scenery. The art direction and cinematography is eye boggling and makes it seem that you are on the ledge with him. It's a good film to look at.

Bam Bam Pow!!!

WRITING AND DIRECTING


The film was written by Pablo Fenjves and directed by Asger Leth. Pablo is able to write a suspenseful story that lasts for the first half of the movie. The pace slows down and the dialog feels rushed. It felt like he lost ideas and just tried to finish the movie by shoveling shit out of his ass. The directing of Asger is great though. I liked how he shot the ledge scenes and how he showed the people down below chanting for Nick to jump. He gave it a sense of realism that improved the film.

THE END


I wouldn't recommend paying for this film. You may leave disappointed. It starts off great but fades away into an OK movie. It even ends like the characters didn't even give a damn. In other words... it's a good start but a bad finish.

This wasn't bad though!

 OVERALL


STORY 6 out of 10
ACTING 6 out of 10
SPECIAL EFFECTS 7 out of 10
WRITING 5 out of 10
DIRECTING 7 out of 10


OVERALL 6 out of 10 (WAIT FOR VIDEO)

The Grey Movie Review (Minor Spoilers)

He looks like a badass!

THE MOVIE: CRITIC'S TAKE


When I first saw the trailer I thought this was going to be a sequel to Taken. Then I realized it's just another Liam Neeson, I might be old but I still can kick your ass, type of film. Needless to say I wasn't interested.  Liam and his crew vs a bunch of hungry wolves? LMAO! Whatever. Next! Then I got free tickets and thought awwww what the hell. It couldn't hurt. I missed my first screening of the film but was able to get another crack at it before it opened. It's not the best Liam film but it is entertaining enough to watch in a theater. The trailer doesn't do this story justice.

STORY

I'm not going to give away a lot of spoilers so I'll keep this one short. Liam Neeson's character, Ottway, is hired as a sharpshooter to keep predators away from the refinery workers. He has a tragic past that almost brought him to commit suicide. As he and his workers board a plane home they fall onto some turbulence that turned into a nightmare. Within minutes they land smack in the middle of the coldest weather imaginable, with little food and water. Ottway quickly tries to take charge of the situation but some of his fellow crew men are asking "Who the hell put you in charge?"

I'm Liam fucking Neeson thats who!

After some gritty talk about their personal lives and wether or not god exists things start to get worse. Wolves notice that they are there and the wolves think that they are intruding on their terriortory. This turns out to be the biggest fight of their lives. Not just with the wolves but with the weather, hunger, and themselves. Will anyone survive this mayhem? Only watching the film will give you the answer.

Teach me how to kill super wolves please!!!

ACTING

The acting here wasn't bad at all. There is chemistry with most of the cast that made this film enjoyable. Liam Neeson shows both his sensative side and his take no names attitude. The transition between the two was believable for a film like this. You could feel the tension between them when things started to get real bad. The cast did a better job than what most people would expect. You can feel for some of these characters throughout the film. The actors knocked it out the park for the most part.

I'm never taking a plane again.

SPECIAL EFFECTS

The special effects were decent for this film. The plane crash was surprisingly intense and left me cringing a little. The only complaint I have are the Twilight werewolves. Those wolves were too big to be believable. With the lack of food source in that area how did they grow to be that size? I know you want them to be scary beasts but wolves alone are scary beasts. Just go out in the wild and find one. Let's see if you don't pee your pants if it looks at you and licks it's lips.

What the fuck is that wolf on steriods?

WRITING AND DIRECTING

The film was written by Joe Carnahan and Ian Jeffers. They put together a tight story that had you feeling for the characters. I liked that they give some characters a back story that wasn't always full of grace. The dialog was believable and straight forward. The film was directed by Joe as well and he did a fine job. The movie feels cold and distrubing. I liked his wide shots and how the camera didn't flinch when things got nasty. I can see Joe doing more films in the future.

THE END

It's a good film to see in the theaters. You are getting your money's worth. The film is almost two hours long but I think some of you won't be complaining about that. It's a tough guy movie that is enjoyable and fun to watch. The tension alone is nerve recking. Not a lot of films can pull that off.

OVERALL

STORY 7 out of 10
ACTING 7 out of 10
SPECIAL EFFECTS 6 out of 10
WRITING 8 out of 10
DIRECTING 8 out of 10

OVERALL 7 out of 10 (Worth seeing in the theaters)

UNDERWORLD AWAKENING REVIEW (SPOILERS)

Well at least she's in leather again

THE MOVIE: CRITIC'S TAKE


When I first heard about this film I chuckled. I knew they needed to make another one because that prequel was just vomit worthy. After seeing the trailer I thought that this film was heading back to its roots. I was glad to find out that they did and added a few more things to the mix. This film is the goriest yet and holds no punches. It is a step up from the last two films. The best in the series yet.

STORY

The film begins with a quick reference to the first two films. Selene, played by Kate Beckinsale, is now living in a world where the lycans and vampires are being terminated.  Her and Michael are leaving the city via a boat when the government shows up and blows them all to hell. She is taken to a faculty where they harvested her genes. She is able to break free and escape into the new world. This world is a place not fit for a vampire. Especially a vampire who only knows leather.

I know she looks good in it but really?

She keeps getting visions from another vampire that is linked to her. She believes it's Michael and follows his trails. It turns out that it's not Michael but their hybrid child that was made in the lab. Another vampire named David, played by Theo James, is helping them find their way. He brings them back to his family's lair only for them to be unwelcomed.  There she learns that her lover has been long dead and that the humans have eradicated most of the lycan and vampires. Shortly the lair is attacked by a group of lycan that seems too healthy and big for them to be suffering. Selene immediately knows something is up.

Like this big fucker!

She plans on heading back to where it all began but first she needs more answers. She befriends a detective named Sebastian, played by Michael Early, that knows more than he should. Together they come up with a plan to not only stop the madness but to also rescue her daughter that was taken during the raid. There she finds out why the lycan need her daughter and that Michael isn't dead after all. It ends the way it should have, leaving the viewing with more questions and wanting to see more.

Cold as ice

ACTING


What can I say here? The acting was average at best. Some of the performances were wooden and Kate didn't show much emotion. Even her tears seemed forced and cold. The chemistry wasn't there either. Not one actor connected with each other. It doesn't hurt the film but it does make it feel like I'm watching cut scenes in a video game. With the types of actors involved and their experience I expected more.

I really didn't expect much from you though.

 SPECIAL EFFECTS


The effects here were great. The 3D added nothing to the film but cheap thrills. I was impressed with how the 3D didn't affect the quality of the action scenes. This is where the movie takes off. The action itself is gruesome and entertaining from start to finish. Most of the film is action packed which makes the film seem too short. I liked the death scenes despite how some of them looked fake. This shouldn't bother you too much sense you'll be picking your mouth up from the floor or squinting your eyes due to all the bone breaking and jaw ripping. Yeah they really didn't give a fuck.

Neither did she!!!

P.S.

What was up with the bootleg Michael? They showed his picture but had a stunt double play him? That was just retarded!!!

WRITING AND DIRECTING


The film was written by 4 different writers including Len Wisemen. They put together a good action story but left out character development, emotions, and logic. I couldn't feel for any of the characters including the little girl. Adding ten more minutes of story wouldn't have hurt. It may have made the movie even better. The film was directed by Marlind and Stein. The movie was filmed in dark and gritty settings throughout. You can see the action in full view and nothing seems out of place. They made the film feel cold and wet which added a feeling of despair or disgust. The fight scenes were breathtaking which made Selene an instant badass. That is one vampire that Blade and Buffy would have one hell of a time defeating, that's if they even could.

THE END


The film is a must see. I wish you had an option to opt out of the 3D but it looks like you don't. Not a lot of theaters are showing it in 2D but if you can find one then skip the 3D and save some extra bucks. The film is the best in the series and it's super badass. Who knew that a chick like that could kick some major ass?

They don't stand a chance!

OVERALL


STORY 6 out of 10
ACTING 6 out of 10
SPECIAL EFFECTS 7 out of 10
WRITING 5 out of 10
DIRECTING 8 out of 10


OVERALL 6 out of 10 (WORTH A VIEWING IN 2D ONLY)

Haywire Review (Minor Spoilers)



I think I'm in love!

 THE MOVIE: CRITIC'S TAKE

I was really excited to see this movie. Gina Carano is the best MMA female fighter in the world. She's also very beautiful too. This is her first major role in a film and I was interested in seeing how she can perform. Can this really hot chick that could kick any dudes ass be a good actress too? The answer is fuck yes! The movie sucks but at least we found out that Gina can act.

STORY 

The story takes place in an era where killing is done for money and fun. Mallory Kane, played by Gina Carano, is having a friendly conversation with her dirty heart throb Channing Tatum. He turns out to be just another asshole and they engage in one quick battle. She steals a car and scares the shit out of the owner. She takes him on a unforgettful joy ride so she can tell him her story. Something tells me he didn't mind.

Or maybe not?

After depatching the scared fellow she remembers everything that lead up to this point. Her and Channing were an item and very much in love. That was before she became one of the hunted. Her bosses wanted her dead for reasons I will not share here but it seemed to be legit. She was double crossed on one of her missions and vowed that she will kill everyone that comes for her. After a few flashbacks she returns home only to be confronted by more jackasses. She manages to get away and confronts the person who has been giving her hell. It's pretty much the same story we've seen a thousand times, this time it's just with the female Rambo.

Rambo with tits!

ACTING

The acting here was ok. The three male stars that you really want to see have minor roles. Ewan Mcgregor, Antonio Banderas, and Michael Douglas all gave good performances. They were able to have chemistry with Gina despite her lack of experience. Gina did give a good performance and I can see her doing more action movies. She didn't let you down and I was glad I didn't waste my time with her. She seems to be the full package.

O baby!

SPECIAL EFFECTS

This is an action movie that delivers the goods when it comes to fighting. The fight scenes were the best part of the movie. You will cringe at some of the hard hitting scenes in this picture. I love the grittiness of the film and the fire power looked legit. It's not the greatest special effects movie but the fight scenes alone make up for it.

Like this one!

WRITING AN DIRECTING

The film was written by Lem Dobbs. The story he wrote was the same about every double cross film featuring assassins ever. Nothing new. The dialog was not natural and the story didn't flow well. The directing, however, was top notch. Steven Soderbergh remained his gritty self. Steven is continuing to make a name for himself, even if this movie falls short of making his greatest hits.

THE END

Despite Gina proving she can act and the fight scenes being kick ass, I would skip this one. It's really nothing special to see. It's better to view at home over Netflix or DVD. If you want to see it for free then stream it from a site from India. O wait that SOPA thing might stop you soon. O well at least there's WIKI. O wait SOPA might stop them too. FUCK!!! Well here's something to look at.

Your welcome!

OVERALL

STORY 3 out of 10
ACTING  6 out of 10
SPECIAL EFFECTS 6 out of 10
WRITING 3 out of 10
DIRECTING 7 out of 10

OVERALL 5 out of 10 (WAIT FOR VIDEO)

The Devil Inside Review (Minor Spoilers)

Not another damn devil movie!

THE MOVIE: CRITIC'S TAKE

When I first saw the trailer I thought this movie was going to be one of the scariest films I have ever seen. I was anxious to get my butt to the movies so I could see this tale. I should have listened to the screening reviews because I was left unhappy. The movie had a good story and it seemed like some new lyrics to an old song has come along. I was disappointed to find out that this film will only be a one hit wonder. The ending sucked the life and thrill out of this film faster than you can say "I want my fucking money back!"

STORY

In the late 80s a woman killed three men and injuried some local detectives while trying to escape. She was sent to Rome, Italy for treatment after being discovered as a lunatic. This confused her daughter Isabella, played by Fernanda Andrade, so much that she decided to hire a camera man to film her research. She wants to find out if her mother really did kill those men during her exorcism. When in Rome she attends a class about exorcismes that only intrigues her naive mind. Lucky she found two priests that share the same thoughts.

God please help me!

After visiting her mother she now believes that she is truly possessed. The two priests takes her on one of their exorcismes where she learns the true horror of being possessed. The priests agree to exorcise her mother and that's where this story takes a twist. It seems that the mother is possessed by one powerful demon that can control more than one person. That's because he didn't come alone. This sets up some twists and turns that most of the audience saw coming but no one knew how it would end. It seems that it didn't end at all.

This shit hurts!

ACTING

The acting here was decent at best. The chemistry was there and none of their performances seemed dry. The only problem I had was their ability to show true horror. For a woman who never seen an exorcism she took it pretty well. At a matter of fact they all took it pretty well. The director should have saw this and intervened. If the actors aren't showing much fear then why should the audience?

Please don't kiss!

SPECIAL EFFECTS

The effects here looked pretty real. For a low budget film they did a wonderful job. There isn't a lot of gore but lots of blood. Some of the scenes will make you cringe and gasp for air. One scene in the film almost made me gag. I'm a fan of blood and guts but when it comes out of that place, I draw the line!

Holy Hell!

WRITING AND DIRECTING

The film was written by Matthew Peter and William Brent Bell. They did a very good job with the flow of the film. It is easy to follow and it doesn't get confusing. The directing, however, wasn't the best. Sometimes the film was out of focus and the angles looked unprofessional. I think William should have stayed behind a computer and let a better director handle the film. It's not easy directing with that type of camera but if Paranormal Activity and Catfish could do it I see no reason why William failed at it.

THE END

It's a great film to see on DVD or Netflix. I wouldn't waste my money on the big screen. You might want your money back. That's the only reason I'm telling people to stay away from the theater. I want to help stop some angry viewers from punching the ticket guy in the face.

OVERALL


STORY 7 out of 10
ACTING 6 out of 10
SPECIAL EFFECTS 7 out of 10
WRITING 7 out of 10
DIRECTING 5 out of 10


OVERALL 6 out of 10 (WAIT FOR VIDEO)