RANT CENTRAL: EVOLUTION

WTF

WHY AM I DOING THIS?

I know what you guys are thinking. "Why is this fool not sticking to his day job?" I love reviewing movies and writing them but sometimes there's more to life than just reviewing films that you could have written better, watching Rachel Starr be a star, and dealing with the constant a$$holes that the Jersey Shore brought to life... again!

Douchebag

Every now and then I need an outlet to express my inner most thoughts no matter how rude, how non important they are, and how stupid they may sound. Sometimes I just need to tell the world to F**K off or how much I love them. You will learn with my rants that I will say things that you really want to say yourself but won't out of fear of rebuttal or be stapled as a lunatic. I just don't give a F**K so I will be your outlet. You can thank me later.

You can thank me now

WHY SHOULD WE CARE ABOUT EVOLUTION

We shouldn't! Evolution is boring as all hell. I'm not going to go into a long detail rant about why evolution is boring and how unimportant it is. Do you really care about one day looking down from heaven or up from hell to see your great great great great great great grandchild standing 6 foot 8 weighing 245 pounds with a hot chick that's 6 foot 1 weighing 130 pounds, around your grandchild's arm and finding out that's under the norm? Of course not. That's because that's never going to happen. Our bodies, most of it anyway, are done evolving but our brains didn't get the memo... and never will.

WAIT! WHAT! HUH! PLEASE EXPLAIN

You see back in the day when humans was not on top of the food chain they had to run away from shit and climb trees. Those humans that could survived and passed on that "Run the hell away or your slow ass will get eaten gene." As for today we don't have that mess. We can happily seat our fat butts on the couch and not worry about getting eaten by a bear or a hungry tiger that doesn't know the meaning of personal space. Unless you're this guy... Timothy Treadwell

Timothy Treadwell google him

Due to technology our brains are getting smarter and our bodies are getting lazier. That's why we need to exercise more often. The brain will continue to evolve and become smarter due to our technology advances. In a not to distant future we won't even have the need for a keyboard since everything will be voice activated or touch screen. Holographical presentations are already on the hardware floor as well as 3D without the glasses. Virtual Reality is coming along and video games are starting to feel more real. Great so the new technology will come along and make my future generations smarter and cooler so why should I care now? Well you still shouldn't until you realize that the new generation of humans, one day, might be walking around with one big eye at the center of their forehead.

SAY WHAT!

You see with the brain evolving it picks what the body needs and doesn't need. With all this new technology that our brain is consuming to make the world better it may say one day "Hey fuck it! I never liked the right eye anyway." and combine the two to make one big movable eye. It's a defect just like having the thumb was to climb trees to get to food and away from predators. In this case our smart brain is telling us that we no longer need two eyes to do the job.

Holy Crap

It doesn't stop there! We humans as a whole will pick our lover. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but television is telling us what we should look like and who we should go for and its affecting our freaking brains! The brain is telling our genes that we need to look like those people on TV to find a mate. That's why some women are developing bigger backends and why some men are naturally slim and prone to be muscular. That's what most of us want so the brain will make the body achieve it without even telling us. So go ahead and go outside. Look at all the women and men out there right now. Look at the teenagers. How are they built? Not like they use to be that's for sure. You can literally blame the media.

Thank you media

ARE YOU DONE YET?

I would go into great detail and give you more shit to read but that would be boring and I know no one likes to read now a days so I'll stop here. I just find it amazing how evolution has changed for humans due to our need not to work so hard. Some of you won't agree with my statements and that's 100 percent OK. I know some scientists that do. These changes won't take effect for a long time and that's even if it does at all. You have plenty of time to enjoy your two eyes and be happy that you're 5 foot 10 and can still be able to get a chick. More than likely the chick will probably look like this...

Hurry up evolution gosh damn you!









 
 
 
 

Fright Night Remake Review (Minor Spoilers)

Another damn remake!

THE MOVIE: CRITIC'S TAKE

I received free screening passes to see this in 3D before it comes out. I wasn't excited because I'm a fan of the original. It's one of my favs. Seeing the trailer didn't make me change my mind either but I thought I'll give it a try. After all, free stuff isn't easy to come by. I sat in the theater looking to be disappointed. I learned to give movies that I think will be bad a chance after seeing this. It's not great but it's far from bad. A funny surprisingly enjoyable film.

STORY

The story starts with a killing spree. A young teen witnesses his family's demise but he gets taken for a ride too. Charlie, played by Anton Yelchin, is a young boy in a small town outside of Las Vegas. He has a horny girlfriend named Amy, played by Imogen Poots, that everyone wants to bone except him. He has an obsessive friend named Ed, played by Christopher Mintz-Plasse, who wants him to rejoin his group. That is the vampire killing group that him and his missing friends started. Charlie tells him to bugger off once the search for his friend ends. He is going to wish that he didn't because it turns out that his friend was right. His next door neighbor is a vampire. Not just any vampire but a 400 year old one played by Colin Farrell.

Isn't he sexy

He kills his best friend and turns him into a vampire. He doesn't find this out till later because he was too busy keeping his mom and girlfriend from boning him. He learns that Charlie is aware of his true identity and plays mind games with him. He even allows him to sneak into his house and help one of his victims. Once he does he accidently kills her by making her meet the sun! This freaks him out so much that he has no choice but get help from the famous Peter Vincent, played by David Tennant.

That's not what he really looks like

He knows all and has every weapon imaginable except one... BALLS! Charlie goes through all hell trying to protect his family while Peter just runs and hides. Finally Peter gets the balls to help Charlie and be the man he knows he can be. I would go further but I already gave too much away. I will say that the ending was great and this story was a fun one to watch and I can imagine it being a fun one to write.

See fun

ACTING

The acting here was ok. Colin and Peter were great. Anton I didn't like in the lead and thought he did a so-so job. The mother was funny to watch and Peter's lover was a delight. Everyone else just bored me except Christopher. That guy is a natural and I think should have been the lead. Overall everyone played their part well enough and the chemistry was there for most. It wasn't a bad outting for the actors.

SPECIAL EFFECTS

The 3D is a hit or miss at best. The effects as a whole wasn't all that great. The gore was comical and less WTF. The vampires looked more sickly than deadly and I couldn't get past their faces. I wasn't terrified just overwhelmed by the lack of effort. The original vamps looked more real. They should have went the makeup route instead of CGI. Overall the effects are decent but don't expect anything special.

Except this guy

WRITING AND DIRECTING

The film was written by Marti Nixon and Directed by Craig Gillespie. Marti wrote some interesting dialog and good humor. There is a lot of unpredictable stuff here and that's a good thing. I did feel that the movie dragged on too long and it could have been made shorter. The directing was in your face. He was able to capture the power of the vampire very well and the entire film is caught in a rich light. He did a great job and should be doing more films.

THE END

It's a good film to watch for a date. I wouldn't rush to see it though unless you want to compare movies. It's not a bad a film. I will even go as far as saying "It's a good one!"
I don't think most of you will be disappointed by this. I wasn't and I'm a fan of the original.

Yuck!

OVERALL


STORY - 6 out of 10
ACTING - 6 out of 10
SPECIAL EFFECTS - 5 out of 10
WRITING - 7 out of 10
DIRECTING - 7 out of 10


OVERALL 6 out of 10 (DATE MOVIE)









 
 

Final Destination 5 Review

Again seriously again

THE MOVIE: CRITIC'S TAKE

WOW! I can't believe that after the disaster that was The Final Destination they dare to make another. Hollywood must love their horror franchises. Where can this story go? It's been to every place where it could go. There's no way that they can come up with something new or shocking. Glad I saw it because they actually did.




STORY

Sam, played by Nicholas D'Agosto, is a chef, a good friend, and now an ex boyfriend. His girlfriend dumps him the same day he and his friends are going on some business trip. Due to his grief, or so I thought, he has a vision of the highway collapsing and everyone in the middle getting killed. He comes to in time to save the ones that believed him and witness the disaster from a safe area. Looks like he cheated death but we all know that death never likes to be cheated.

WTF

One by one his friends are dying horrible deaths. There is a cop that at first thought that he was a terrorist but he soon realizes that these incidents are just too random. A familiar face gives them some info that could save their lives. The only way to do so is to kill someone else so they can take their place in death. In exchange they get whatever years left that person had. It's a messed up way to save yourself but deep down inside everyone has the will to survive.

Awwwww isn't that just the cutest

His friend goes ape shit and tries to kill his girlfriend. Sam fights him to the death and wins. He thinks that his horror is over but we quickly learn that death had a plan for them all along. He accepts his apprentice job and he and his girl are heading to Paris. Not to completely spoil the movie but I'm just going to say it ends where it begins. I didn't think the writers had the balls to go there.

Deja Vu anyone?

ACTING

The acting was surprisingly decent. No one will win oscars here but the acting isn't to bad for this type of film. Some of them do need to go back and take lessons to improve but we know what they were picked for. I didn't care about any of them. The best actor here only had about 3 scenes so that should tell you something. Overall they did their best but some should have tried harder.

Shame on you

SPECIAL EFFECTS

The effects looked real enough for me. This movie delivered with the gore and the disgusting images. It doesn't beat final destination 2 but it comes in a close second. The effects are the highlight of the film and they did not disappoint. The 3D was decent but added nothing to the film.

Nasty

WRITING AND DIRECTING

The film was written by Eric Heisserer and directed by Steven Quale. The writing here was much better than the last two films. The dialog seemed natural and not one character acted the same. This script was a breath of fresh air for this series. The director did a fine job as well. If there is another sequel I hope that this team can work together on it. They did one hell of a job.

Candy man

THE END

It's a good film. Not bad at all. I enjoyed it and I think most of you will as well. The deaths are the real fun in the film and everyone gets it good. I hope the series ends though cause I think that they used every trick in the book. Now that I think about it. I doubt that will stop them anyway.




OVERALL


STORY - 6 out of 10
ACTING - 5 out of 10
SPECIAL EFFECTS - 7 out of 10
WRITING - 6 out of 10
DIRECTING - 6 out of 10


OVERALL 6 out of 10 (GOOD MOVIE BUT I WOULD WAIT FOR VIDEO)















 
 

Cowboys and Aliens Review

They can't be fucking serious?

THE MOVIE: CRITIC'S TAKE

Cowboys and Aliens? What the hell is Hollywood coming too? Adding Harrison Ford, Daniel Craig, and Olivia Wilde to the mix did nothing to help the humor surrounding this film. It's not good humor but the kind of humor where you ask "They can't be serious?" Well they were and I can tell you it was hard for me to finish this film. I didn't even want to see it in the first place but I thought that I would give it a try. At least I know what to watch when I want to watch something that can put me to sleep. I need to start listening to my gut more often.

STORY

Jake, played by Daniel Craig, wakes up in the desert with no memory at all. He finds a funny looking wristband attached to his hand, wondering what the hell just happened. He is soon confronted by some men and he takes them out James Bond style. He rides into town injured looking for medical supplies. He finds someone to help him and he quickly starts exploring the town. Not too much time passes by until he finds himself into some trouble.

Jackass

He finds a young asshole acting retarded with a gun. He shows him how a real man should act and gets him arrested. The boys father is Woodrow, played by Harrison Ford, and he's the sole reason why the town has anything. He learns of his son's stupidity and rushes to get him out but not before handling some business. Looks like someone has been killing his men and destroying his cattle. Woodrow rides into town when the rangers were going to ship his son and Jake to another county. We learn that Jake and Woodrow have some history together and he doesn't want either of them to go. This is when the aliens show up and start hogtying people to their ships!

Thanks partner

The aliens kidnap many people and the town folks want revenge. Woodrow and Jake decide to track down one of the aliens who was wounded during the battle. Ella, played by Olivia Wilde, insists on joining them. They all hunt the alien when Jake's old gang comes strolling along. It wasn't about hellos but more like face smashing time. During this encounter the aliens attack again and kidnap Ella. Jake tries to save her but she ends up dying in a crash. We learn that Ella isn't human at all but an alien from another world.

I wanna be from that world

She tells them of the aliens plans and how they destroyed her world. She helps Jack remember and Woodrow turns out he isn't the man we thought he was. Together they find the mother ship and stop the aliens from doing whatever they were trying to do. I'll leave some things left to your imagination but most of the story was a borefest. I hope that maybe you can keep your eyes open long enough to enjoy it.

What's up?

ACTING

Daniel and Harrison played their parts well but everyone else either acted the same or didn't act at all. I couldn't feel any chemistry from Craig and Olivia. It was quite sad actually. The only person I cared for was Harrison's character. Maybe because Harrison had the best performance and despite his attitude he was a likable character. Everyone else was just annoying. Piss port performances from some talented actors.

Oooo Shiny

SPECIAL EFFECTS

The special effects was the highlight of the film. The lights looked sharp and the gadgets were interesting to look at. The aliens made me laugh and the environments wanted me to throw up. You can tell that it was all a sound stage or an open area made into a western. I couldn't feel for anything in this movie and despite the decent effects it still lacked something. Maybe excitement.

I don't know what to say about this

WRITING AND DIRECTING

The movie was written by too many writers for me to mention and directed by Jon Favreau. The directing was easy on the eyes. Even during the dark scenes Jon was able to capture his characters in battle without even a haze. The writing however is bad. Pretty damn bad. It's like these characters were one dimensional and had no depth. I can see why it went through many rewrites and from my point of view it needed many more rewrites. Shame on Hollywood!

THE END

Awful! It's a skunk of a movie. I couldn't last 10 mins without wanting to leave. These actors and director can do a lot better than this. Don't waste your time. You will thank me later!

OVERALL


STORY - 3 out of 10
ACTING - 3 out of 10
SPECIAL EFFECTS - 5 out of 10
WRITING - 2 out of 10
DIRECTING - 5 out of 10


OVERALL 4 out of 10 (Don't waste your time)





 
 

Apollo 18 Review

This looks new

THE MOVIE: CRITIC'S TAKE

I was invited to attend a screening of this film before it gets released next month. I saw the trailer and thought this would be interesting. I was anxious to see this film and got front row seats. The hype around this film is so-so and it seems to be picking up speed. I can tell you it's new and inventive. Definitely not your usual horror film.

STORY

There's a reason why we never went back to the moon. That's their catch phrase for the film. When they were sent up to the moon it was deemed top secret. They told their families that they all were doing different missions. Once they get up there everything is going as planned but soon everything changes. Nothing is what it seems and they are beginning to lose their minds. Their site keeps getting destroyed and they learned that they weren't the only ones sent up there. I can't give away anymore info due to legal reasons but it is an unique and somewhat believable film. I think fans of horror will love this film.

Shit!

ACTING

The acting here was passable for the characters at hand. The emotions were raw and fearless. When they went crazy it seemed that they really did go crazy. The chemistry was top notch for all the actors involved. It seemed like they knew each other for a long time and it shined on screen. For a low budget film the acting was pretty good.

Helppppppp!

SPECIAL EFFECTS

I was impressed with the effects for this film. They captured the look of the moon perfectly. The craters are everywhere and to perform in that small craft was neat to see. Everything seemed real enough to pass as legit. I would describe other things but then I would be spoiling the movie. I will say they didn't disappoint with the big reveal. They brought something new to horror.

We aren't alone

WRITING AND DIRECTING

The film was written by Bryan Miller and Cory Goodman. They did a great job with dialog and how the story progressed. They didn't waste anytime with the suspense and everything seemed too flow well. It was directed by Gonzalo Lopez Gallego. His future is bright. The way he filmed it was cake for the eyes. He captured a sense of danger and realism that can and more likely make you think about what surrounds you and what kind of life truly exists in this world. Fine job by a fine team.

THE END

It brings something new to horror. I'll say go see it if you're interested. You won't be disappointed at the least. It's suppose to open sometime next month. Should be an interesting fall movie year.

OVERALL

STORY - 8 out of 10
ACTING - 7 out of 10
SPECIAL EFFECTS - 9 out of 10
WRITING - 7 out of 10
DIRECTING - 8 out of 10

OVERALL 8 out of 10 (MUST SEE)


 

Rise of the planet of the apes Review

Prequel SMH

THE MOVIE: CRITIC'S TAKE

Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes. LMAO! I know times are hard but I didn't think Hollywood needed money that bad. That's what I was thinking when I saw the trailer. Having James Franco as the star didn't help either. Don't get me wrong. He's a good actor, when he cares, but seeing him as a scientist and the such didn't sell me on this film. I was not expecting much when I hit the theater. I figured it couldn't be worse than the last remake. Good to know that I gave it a chance. It is one hell of a thrill ride.

STORY

The story begins with a raid of the jungle. They managed to capture an ape and use her as a lab rat. They give her a serum that was made to cure Alzheimer. The serum made her smarter and after a few tests she was ready to show her talents to the board of directors. She instead goes ape shit on them and they cancelled the project. Turns out she was protecting her young. James Franco character, Will, learns that she was able to pass on the serum to her young. This made for an interesting find.

They are going to kill me

He quickly exceeds his mother's intelligence and continues to get smarter. Soon he starts to wonder about his own existence. Will is desperate in finding a cure to help his father and illegally take a sample and gives it to him. It works but only temporally. The disease is coming back stronger and he needs a stronger serum to take over the damaging cells. They begin the tests for the new and stronger virus but his ape gets into trouble. Protecting the father, he bites the finger off of a neighbor. He has no choice but to go to ape prison.

New play thing

There he learns how it is to truly be an ape... and a leader. He understands human behavior and now wants to free himself and his kind from their confinement. There's one problem though. Most apes are stupid. Will couldn't wait to see the results of the new serum and gives it to his father. The father dies that very night and he chalks it up as him being to sick. If he paid attention to his friend he would have known that the virus doesn't help humans but kills them.

Karma is a bitch

The ape learns of the new serum and gives it to all of his friends. They begin a rampage through the city to reach their freedom. Will is trying to get to him so he doesn't get hurt. It ends the way it should. Exciting, breathtaking, and one fun ride. This film was truly unpredictable from start to finish.






ACTING

The acting was decent at best. I didn't buy James Franco character for one second. His relationship to the beautiful Freido Pinto seemed forced. It seemed like they barely knew each other. The real star of the film were the CGI apes and his father, played by John Lithgow. He was the only real actor here and he stole the movie away from James. Despite the apes not speaking they showed more personality and emotion than the humans. That alone was shocking.

Isn't love grand

SPECIAL EFFECTS

The effects were breathtaking. You could tell that some of the apes were CGI but it won't be a distraction. The apes looked real enough to pass a reality test and their emotion was flawless. I cared more about the apes than I did the humans. It has to be one of the best CGI movies in recent years.

King of the world

WRITING AND DIRECTING

The movie was written by Amanda Silver and Rick Jaffa. They wrote the apes flawlessly but the humans needed some work. I can blame the actors though because I didn't think any of them fit their roles. Despite that the dialog was believable and the human reactions to the apes seemed reasonable. The film was directed by Pierre Boulle. He did one hell of a job. The action is crisp and plentiful. He should get more offers after this because it truly was a work of art.

THE END

A must see for everyone. It will surprise you and go beyond your expectations. I want to see it again because the apes truly rose to the occasion. One of the best films this year. It will be hard to beat when it comes to quality and hope the future films can continue on this road.

OVERALL


STORY - 8 out of 10
ACTING - 7 out of 10 (thank the apes)
SPECIAL EFFECTs - 9 out of 10
WRITING - 8 out of 10
DIRECTING - 9 out of 10


OVERALL 8 out of 10 (MUST SEE)


 
 

Horrible Bosses Review

That's all folks!!!

 
THE MOVIE: CRITIC'S TAKE

I saw this trailer and immediately thought that this movie would be hysterical. They had the right people for the job and I was interested in seeing Jennifer Aniston play a crazy bitch. I think everyone wants to kill their boss and these three men have good reasons. When I sat down I was expecting a laugh fest. This movie can be extremely funny at times but I feet as though not everyone was able to keep up with each other. None the less the film is enjoyable.

STORY

Nick, played by Jason Bateman, has been working at his job for awhile. He is looking for his well deserved promotion when his boss, played by Kevin Spacey, gives it to himself. This makes Nick very angry and confronts his boss. His boss tells him how worthless he is and that he could crush him in a second. Nick just wants to rip his head off.

Please don't rape me!

Kurt, played by Jason Sudeikis, actually loves his boss. Too bad his boss died and left the business to his son, played by Colin Farrel. Turns out his son is a complete douche. He would rather screw women then work. This leaves Kurt to do all the dirty work which puts his morals in question. His friend Dale, played by Charlie Day, is in a sticky situation. It seems that his sexy boss, played by Jennifer Aniston, is a sex addict ready for some fun. He's engaged and doesn't want to cheat but Jennifer has other ideas.

I would have hit that!

This leads to him demanding her to stop but she black mails him into submission. All enraged over their bosses they decided to pay someone to kill them. Instead they get advice from Jamie Foxx telling them how to do it themselves. They begin spying on their bosses but Kurt can't keep his weiner in his pants when he sees Dale's boss. They break into Kurt's boss's home only to steal a cell phone and leaving it in Nick's boss's place. Turns out that Nick's boss is a jealous freak and thinks that his wife is cheating on him. Nick witnesses his boss kill the other and is left in shock. He did the only smart thing he could do. He runs for dear life!

Put the gas to the medal!

The police catches up to them and now they must come up with a plan to get rid of the other two without going to jail. Luck seemed to be on their side when Nick's boss's anger turned him into a lunatic. The ending was satisfying and it wrapped up with laughter. I won't give away anymore spoilers but the ending was well deserved for all. I still don't understand why Dale didn't just bang his boss. I mean wouldn't you?

Boner alert

ACTING

The chemistry with everyone was believable. The three leading men came off as friends and it showed on screen. Jennifer was seductive, funny, and nice to look at it. Spacey was a real ass and Jamie foxx had his moments. I didn't like Colin's performance because he went over the top but other than that it was great. Everyone mushed well together.

Time to kill

SPECIAL EFFECTS

I enjoyed the car chase scenes and the scenery. I was surprised that most of the movie took place at night. The director was able to capture the picture without it looking too gritty. The gun shots sounded real enough and the lighting seemed passable. Nothing special here other than Jennifer's wig. Not even that could keep her down.

Innocent?

WRITING AND DIRECTING

The script was written by three different writers, Micheal Markowitz, John Francis Daley, and John M. Goldstein. I was surprised to learn this because the movie flowed nicely. Usually when you get more than one writer the story seems all over the place. It's nice to know that team writing can pay off in the end. The film was directed by Seth Gordon and he did one hell of a job. Like I said in the earlier section despite the darkness the film doesn't look gritty and it blossoms in the day. Nothing was off and the camera work wasn't distracting. A good job by a not so famous director.

THE END

It's a must see for all. A good movie to see with a buddy or your partner. You won't be disappointed. It has laughs from beginning to end. It does get stall for a moment but that's because they are trying to further the story with some character development but who wants that when the movie is about killing your boss in a comedy and trying to resist a beautiful woman who wants nothing but sex from you? I still say Dale was an idiot.

I hate you Brad!

OVERALL

STORY - 7 out of 10
ACTING - 8 out of 10
SPECIAL EFFECTS - 6 out of 10
WRITING - 8 out of 10
DIRECTING - 7 out of 10

OVERALL SCORE 7 out of 10 (MUST SEE)