MEN IN BLACK 3 REVIEW (MINOR SPOILERS)

O yeah!

THE MOVIE: CRITIC'S TAKE

It's been awhile since we seen Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith together. At first I thought this movie would never be made. Tommy is getting old and it shows. Will is the biggest actor in Hollywood so you know his paycheck is large. It's not like either man needed the money and the series seemed to have come to an end. I'm glad that they continued their adventures and decided not to go with a closing story. This movie, instead, explained their relationship and brought their past, present, and future to full circle.

STORY

The story begins with a hot piece of ass bringing a prisoner some cake. It's not an ordinary cake but a cake baked with a parasite. The parasite manages to deliver some mayhem before joining his former master. Together they break out of a prison, set on the moon, to get revenge on Agent K, played by Tommy Lee Jones. It seems that Agent K took his arm and ended his entire race. Seems as though his vengeance is justified.

That ass is mine

Agent J, played by Will Smith, and K are still having partner problems. It's been over a decade and Agent K has yet to get personal. Agent J is curious to know why K is so anti social but his new boss Agent O, played by Emma Thompson, wants him to keep his mouth shut. After an encounter with Boris The Animal, the escaped convict from the moon, Agent K is disturbed. Agent J wants answers but is denied at every turn. He gets a phone call from Agent K telling him that there are some secrets best not known. Agent  J will wish he never hung up the phone because soon after, Agent K is killed... that's in the past of course.

Not today?

Agent J is now in a new future without K and the world is turning into a real mess. Boris The Animal managed to keep his race alive and is now invading earth. Agent O tells Agent J that he needs to time jump and go back into the past to save Agent K. He does just that and realizes that Agent K wasn't always so uptight. I would give away more but that will take the fun out of going to the theaters.

ACTING

The acting was spot on. Josh Brolin nailed Tommy Lee Jones character. It was like looking into the past and seeing a younger version of your favorite character. The chemistry was there and it seemed like everyone was having fun. Jemaine Clement played a great villain. He was believable as a threat and made me think he was capable of pulling it off. Overall the acting is very good and I can't think of anyone who disappointed the audience.

Team work!

SPECIAL EFFECTS

The special effects are great. Loved the CGI and how they were able to capture the feel of the sixties. The CGI may come off as cartoonish for some parts but it was meant to be that way. The aliens looked unique and oddly reminded me of the Fifth Element. Overall they did a fantastic job.

Ain't he cute?

WRITING AND DIRECTING

The film was written by Etan Cohen and directed by Lowell Cunningham. The story is able to flow well and Etan was able to capture the chemistry and feel of all the main characters. The dialog was OK but I thought Will Smith tried too hard to make some of it come off as funny. The directing was decent at best. I felt that something was missing in this department. The 3D didn't help matters either. The film is well written but the directing may have needed more work.

THE END

The film is a must see. It brings all three movies together and it was a fun ride. What I mean by that is that it brings K and J's relationship to a whole new depth and height. The movie doesn't end the series but keeps it going. I wouldn't be surprised if a 4th one is made in the near future.

OVERALL

STORY 7 out of 10
ACTING 8 out of 10
SPECIAL EFFECTS 7 out of 10
WRITING 7 out of 10
DIRECTING 6 out of 10

OVERALL 7 out of 10 (WORTH SEEING)

Battleship Review (Minor Spoilers)

Hollywood is fucking high

THE MOVIE: CRITIC'S TAKE

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............./´¯/'...'/´¯¯`·¸
........../'/.../..../......./¨¯\
........('(...´...´.... ¯~/'...')
.........\.................'...../
..........''...\.......... _.·´
............\..............(
..............\.............\...

Yeah that's how I feel for wasting my damn time!


STORY


The one question that dwindles in our minds are if we're alone. In this movie that question was answered when scientists found a planet that is in the right spot to create life. They decided to send a message to the planet, hoping to make contact. This proves to be a stupid move. Commander Stone, played by Alexander Skarsgard, is having a hard time keeping his brother in line. He is a loser that would rather steal a chicken burrito for a hot girl than to get a job. Due to his latest fuck up Commander Stone tells him that he has to join the Navy or be his little bitch forever. He agrees but only because that little stunt of his won him the heart of the beautiful Sam, played by Brooklyn Decker. Yes you can roll your eyes now.

Like him

He is trying to ask her father if he could marry her (like that matters now a days) but he is too afraid of him. That's because he knows that he's a major fuck up and doesn't deserve his daughter. He eventually gets told that he's getting kicked out of the Navy and this will be his final test run. Distraught he and his team set out to the waters for a testing drill, when they come into contact with deadly aliens. This turns into a heated battle of wits that only the navy, of many different countries, can fight. Can they put their differences aside and win the war against worlds? You can guess the answer.

Yeah good luck with that.

ACTING

Horrible! I felt that Taylor Kirsch character was more of a special needs student than an actual Navy Seal. Rihanna did a great job when she wasn't trying to be a bad ass. She came off cute and funny but her acting like a soldier was cringe worthy. I can see her doing comedies or having smaller roles but action is not for her, at least not yet. Alex and Liam Neeson was the best ones here but there isn't enough screen time for them for you to enjoy. Shame because they could have saved this film.

O get a damn room

SPECIAL EFFECTS

The only good part about this movie. The effects are great and eye popping. I loved the battle scenes because they did get you off your feet. The CGI is great and it does not disappoint. I wish I could say the same for everything else.

The only good thing

WRITING AND DIRECTING

The film was written by Jon and Erich Hoeber and directed by Peter Berg. I don't know what the Hoebers were thinking but the dialog is a mess, the characters suck, and nothing is believable. The directing, however, was great. Peter did a great job turning this boring movie into an action packed adventure. I actually wish they went the Michael Bay route with this film because the writers need to learn a little something about character development and telling an intriguing story.

THE END

Don't bother watching it. I urge you to save your money and see the Avengers again. This is a complete waste of time. I can say that the action and special effects is the only reason I'm not sending this into the toilet. One of the worst movies of the year!

OVERALL

STORY 2 out of 10
ACTING 4 out of 10
SPECIAL EFFECTS 8 out of 10
WRITING 3 out of 10
DIRECTING 7 out of 10

OVERALL 4 out of 10 (SKIP THIS PIECE OF CRAP)

Dark Shadows Review (MINOR SPOILERS)

Dark and Funny... for some

THE MOVIE: CRITIC'S TAKE

Not too many of you know that this film was once a TV show. Not any TV show but a hit. It was suspenseful, rich in goth detail, and the first real show about loving a vampire, way before Buffy and Angel and all this Twilight mess. You can call the show an original piece of art. A few decades later and the new generation just laughs at it. Tim Burton decided to turn this drama show into a comedic satire of the 70s. The film itself isn't bad, it's just not for everyone from either generation. The only saving grace of this film was Johnny Depp. What role can't this guy play?

STORY

Barnabas Collins, played by Johnny Depp, was born into a rich family. He watched as his parents turned their misfortune into a pot of gold. He wasn't the only one though. Angelique, played by Eva Green, was obsessed with Barnabas. She becomes his live in maid and lover and watches as he fondles every woman that crosses his path. He does fall in love with his dream girl and marries her. This pisses Angelique off and makes Barnabas life hell. She first kills his parents and then sends his beloved wife over a cliff. He commits suicide by jumping in after her only to learn that she cursed him as a vampire! That Bitch!

A nasty one at that!

She is able to convince a mob to trap Barnabas in a coffin for 197 years. Once freed he goes on a killing spree to quince his thirst. He realizes that he is in a new world facing the McDonald dragon. The only thing he cares about though is fixing the family business and helping his family. Elizabeth Collins, played by Michelle Pfeiffer, tells him that the family business is in ruins and the the fortune is non existent. Barnabas convinces her to let him stay in exchange that he restarts the family business and keeps his dark secret a secret. There is one problem though. Angelique still runs the town.

Like a diva

He also falls for the governess Winters, played by Bella Heathcote. She looks like his late wife and wants to make her his bride. This pisses of Angelique once again and offers him the town in exchange for his love. He tells her fuck no and vows to take her down. She's no fool and traps him in a new environment. An unlikely hero comes to his rescue but is the damage too late? Angelique is going to attack his family and Barnabas may not be strong enough to stop her. What can a vampire and a whack family do?

Besides looking like the Addams Family

ACTING

The acting here was great for a comedy like this. The chemistry between the actors are great and believable. Chloe Moretz plays the sexually frustrated teenager. She was awesome as a brat but when she tried to be sexy I couldn't help but put my head down. It didn't work. What did work was Johnny Depp. He owned his role and pretty much single handily made this movie worth watching. He brought the best out of all his actors and gave the film what it needed. Eva Green did a great job too but not with just her words but her facial expressions as well. However, if it wasn't for Depp this movie wouldn't be all that good.

She was alright too

SPECIAL EFFECTS

The effects here were lovely. I loved the 70s setting. It was like going back in time and watching an era. The blood is never too much and the action is an enjoyable experience. The cracking of the witch was a nice touch. It reminded me of a mannequin with imperfections. Overall this department did a fine job.

What a diva!

WRITING AND DIRECTING

The film was written by Seth Smith and Directed by Tim Burton. Seth wrote some interesting dialog. Not once did I feel that anything was unnatural. The story flowed with a decent pace that didn't leave you bored. I wasn't too happy with the ending because they threw to much at us in a short time. Tim Burton is his usual weird self. He gave us unique artistry which brought this movie to life. He is one of the best directors in Hollywood and this film shows it.

THE END

The movie is worth a watch. It would make a good date movie and it's good for a few laughs. Johnny Depp is amazing in this film. He is a great actor and one day will win an Oscar. He made the movie what it is. Like I said it's not for everyone but the film is still worth a shot. You might be one of those that love it.

OVERALL


STORY - 7 out of 10
ACTING - 8 out of 10
SPECIAL EFFECTS - 7 out of 10
WRITING - 7 out of 10
DIRECTING - 8 out of 10


OVERALL - 7 out of 10 (GIVE IT A SHOT)

The Avengers Review (Minor Spoilers)



O God yes!

 THE MOVIE: CRITIC'S TAKE

It's about damn time! All this wait for the most anticipated movie of all time was tiring. Fan boys finally achieved their orgasms when the movie opened this past Friday. I decided to wait after the weekend was over to give some people a chance of seeing it so they could stop bothering me about it. I for one couldn't wait to see it and the excitement building around it was breathtaking. People standing in line dressed as Iron Man and Black Widow made the experience even more special. So for all this hype did the movie deliver the goods? I can say that this movie did give you everything you wanted but left you wanting more. That's not a bad thing either.

STORY

Something weird is happening at a S.H.I.E.L.D base that drew the attention of Nick Fury, played by Samuel L. Jackson. He enlisted Hawkeye, played by Jeremy Renney, to watch over the Tesseract. Loki, played by Tom Hiddleston, uses the  Tesseract to enter earth. He quickly disables everyone and takes Hawkeye as his stooge. Fearing that war may come to earth he invokes the Avenger clause. When shit hits the fan, call on the Avengers. One problem though. They may not give a damn.

I always care

Black Widow talks the Hulk into coming on board but only as a scientist. He and Tony Stark both hit it off once they meet. I wish I could say the same for him and Thor but they ended up on different pages and up each other's ass. Thor wants to take Loki back home but Iron Man and his crew needs him to find the Tesseract. After a physical disagreement Captian America was able to talk sense into both of them. After his Shield met Thor's Hammer of course.

Lets just be friends ok?

Once they detain Loki they immediately know something is up. Black Widow mentally seduces Loki into telling her what he wanted. That's to take control of the Hulk and send him into a back breaking rampage. Hawkeye and his crew finds them all and unleashes a shit storm upon them. This causes Bruce to get very angry and turns himself into the Hulk. He almost eats Black Widow until Thor came to the rescue. The fight that everyone want to see happened, proving that Thor can withstand the Hulk and the Hulk can toss Thor around like a rag doll. Thor found out the hard way that Gods can bleed.

You got to go see it for yourself

Loki manages to piss them all off by killing a trusted friend. Filled with vengeance they all come back together to not only save the world but kick the shit out of Loki. Captain emerges as their team leader and calls all the shots. The battle itself was epic and it was neat to see them all come together for a common purpose. The film is a thrill ride from beginning to end and a comic books lover dream come true. The Avengers lived up to the hype.

ACTING

The acting here was great. Every person played their character like they did in their own films. Mark Ruffalo played a better Hulk in my opinion than Edward Norton. He brought a different demeanor to the Hulk rather than being depressed all the time. The chemistry with the main super heroes was intact. Robert Downer Jr and Mark flowed great together while Chris Evans tried to fit in but ended up having tension with just about everyone else except for Jeremy and Scarlett Johansson. Samuel L. Jackson was dead on with everyone he touched and didn't lack a sense of nobility while being a straight up liar. Overall the acting was believable  which made the film even better.

Epic!

SPECIAL EFFECTS

The special effects were great for the eyes. You have to see it in 3D. It reminded me of Transformers 3. The 3D in that movie was better but the Avengers damn sure came close to surpassing it. The CGI looked real enough to please comic book fans and action lovers alike. The only thing that made me laugh was seeing Black Widow with that starter pistol shooting up the aliens. Like come on guys. You couldn't give that female Rambo a better weapon? Overall the special effects won't disappoint you.

Who is the Master?

WRITING AND DIRECTING

The film was written and directed by Joss Whedon. He was able to mix up the humor and the serious tone nicely. He captured the humor of Tony Stark, the soldier boy attitude of Captain America, Thor's Godly demeanor, and Hulk's ability to rip shit apart. He wrote some nail biting and intense scenes but some of the dialog could have been left out. The movie is predictable but I doubt that will matter in the long run. His directing didn't bring anything new. He was able to capture some spectacular shots but overall It's just another action packed movie. I did like it when Hulk knocked out a dinosaur like alien with one punch. A great scene for a great movie.

OVERALL

It's a must see. See it in IMAX and 3D. It's worth every penny. You might feel the need to watch it 2 or 3 times. I know a lot of people will. It's that type of movie that's so much fun you got to see it multiple times. It's a lot of fun and a great pick me up movie.

Knee to the head bitch!

OVERALL

STORY 6 out of 10
ACTING 7 out of 10
SPECIAL EFFECTS 8 out of 10
WRITING 7 out of 10
DIRECTING 8 out of 10

OVERALL 7 out of 10 (MUST SEE)

The Raven Review (Minor Spoilers)

Really? REALLY!

THE MOVIE: CRITIC'S TAKE

Why in the blue hell would they make a film about Edgar Allen Poe as a fake ass Sherlock Holmes? Why in the hell is John Cusack still acting? The trailer itself didn't help matters. It looked like a cheap ripoff of Seven and the bastard child of Saw. None the less I was willing to give this film a chance. I'm glad I did because it proved my fears right. It's a waste of time that should be avoided by any horror or thriller fan. We can watch better.

STORY 


This story takes place at a time where Mr. Poe is no longer the famous poet and author. He is an outcast in the literacy genre and no publisher is willing to touch his work. He is in debt struggling to make ends meet. He has filtered away as a drunk and it looks as if he has lost faith in himself but someone hasn't. A huge obsessive fan challenges Poe to a game of wits when he starts using his stories as an inspiration to his killing spree. He literally asks Poe to join in on the fun but Poe doesn't want to play the SAW game. That is until the killer kidnaps his girlfriend and gives Poe something to fight for. Can he pull it off or will this be the last story that Edgar will ever write?

O shit!

 ACTING


Yeah OK. More like forcibly acting. I couldn't feel any chemistry between John and Luke Evans. It seems as though these two guys don't mesh well. Everyone else were just playing their roles the best they could. I couldn't feel anything real from the characters except for Alice Eve. She seemed to be the only one that enjoyed herself.  Everyone else seemed as if they just came for the pay check.

Yucks!

SPECIAL EFFECTS


This movie is bloodier than I thought. It reminded me a lot of Seven. One of the scenes made me gag when I saw the killer stuff a little girl in the chimney. The gore is a little too excessive in some scenes. I did enjoy the scenery and how dark they made everything look. Watching as people were tortured and mutilated wasn't something I was expecting. Overall the team did it's job to make the movie better than it should be.

HELPPPPPPP!

WRITING AND DIRECTING


The film was written by Ben Livingston and Hannah Shakespeare. They put together a decent enough story that failed miserably. It started out as a promising movie but failed as the film went on. It was like the writers gave up on trying to be original and used left over plots from movies like Seven. The directing, however, wasn't bad. James McTeigue was able to capture the dread of the victims without making it too over the top. It's a shame that he had no choice but to fall in line with the Saw films. You will notice similar directing styles from the film. It's pretty much a ripoff of several films that did it better.

THE END 


Don't bother. Don't waste your money. Just leave it alone and maybe you will forget about it. The movie isn't that great and drags on too long. Maybe with a better cast this movie would have turned out alright. They should have hired people that gave a damn!

Shame on you!

OVERALL


STORY 4 out of 10
ACTING 5 out of 10
SPECIAL EFFECTS 7 out of 10
WRITING 4 out of 10
DIRECTING 6 out of 10


OVERALL 5 out of 10 (SKIP IT)

Cabin In the Woods Review (Minor Spoilers)



Funny and Campy

THE MOVIE: CRITIC'S TAKE

When I first saw the trailer I thought I was going to watch a horror movie. Then I saw who co wrote the film, Joss Whedon. I love this guy. He is able to take things with a serious tone and make it funny. I knew then that this film will be witty, funny, sometimes scary, and a thrill ride. After the movie I felt satisfied with what I saw. Others did not. I understand why though, since the trailer does deceive you but how else could you market this movie? You can't so they lied. It's still a fun film though.

STORY

A group of five friends are spending a weekend at a friends cousin's cabin deep in the woods. Dana, played by Kristen Connolly, is joining her best friend Jules, played by Anna Hutchison, and her boyfriend Curt, played by Chris Hemsworth, for a weekend get away. They are hooking her up with a cute friend of Curt's. They are hoping this will help her to get over her passed relationship with her professor. Marty, played by Fran Kranz, tags along to supply the weed and fun. As they leave we learn they are being monitored by an organization that is prepping them for something big.

Assholes with a hottie!

This company specializes in kissing the ancient gods' asses. They need to perform rituals all over the world so the ancient gods don't return and make everyone suffer. It's quite simple as long as the victims unknowingly play their part. Once everyone is acquainted the party begins. They let open the cellar door so the victims can choose their fate. There's a bunch of old stuff down there that if played with or opened can release a certain demon or monster. Lucky for them Dana read from a book that awakened a zombie family. A family that has a 100 percent clearance rate. In other words, they're fucked!

Like her!

 They weren't the only ones that was fucked though. The company itself is having a bad night. It seems that all the other rituals has failed and it's up to the Americans to pull it off. While one side is trying to get the friends killed, the friends themselves are fighting for their lives. It's a struggle that both sides won't give up. The ending was a breath of fresh air and gives you something to think about. The film itself was just plain fun.

See... monster fun!

ACTING

The acting seemed pretty good for a film like this. I preferred the scientists more than I did the actual college students. They showed more personality and were fun to watch on screen. The chemistry for the most part wasn't sparking but I did enjoy Fran's role. He brought humor and some pretty good one liners to the mix. It's the people behind the scenes that you're probably like the most. They had chemistry. The others were still looking for theirs'. 

I should have stayed my ass home.

SPECIAL EFFECTS

The overall effects were good. It didn't look like a low budget film until the CGI came in. I feel as though they could have done without all the silly monsters. When they were attacking I couldn't help but laugh and cringe. The gore is there when needed and it doesn't go too over the top. 

Well almost everything

WRITING AND DIRECTING

The film was written but Joss Whedon and Drew Goodard. They put together a neat story with multidimensional characters. They managed to juggle multiple story lines without it getting too messy. The dialog is a bit cheesy but it can be forgiven. Drew also directed the movie. It has a dark feel to it but he was able to mix it up with laughter and sarcasm. The environments are intriguing and everything is in full view. A great job by a great team. 

THE END

It's a must see, just not at the theaters. You should wait for DVD and watch it around Halloween. You'll enjoy it more. This movie is not a complete horror film. It actually makes fun of the genre while giving nods to fan favorites. It's a film that I think most of you will enjoy if you know what you're getting yourself into.

OVERALL

STORY 7 out of 10

ACTING 7 out of 10

SPECIAL EFFECTS 6 out of 10

WRITING 6 out of 10

DIRECTING 7 out of 10

OVERALL 7 out of 10 (WAIT FOR DVD)

Wrath Of The Titans Review (Minor Spoilers)



Not this crap again!

 THE MOVIE: CRITIC'S TAKE

Why in the blue hell did they make a sequel? Didn't 20th Century Fox get the memo about how bad the first one was? Yeah the special effects were hot but that really was it. Well Alexa was pretty hot too but that's for another subject. Despite all its flaws the producers thought they could make more money with a bigger budget and less of the bullshit. They were wrong. The movie didn't draw well and has no sign of picking up steam. It's a shame because this movie is an improvement and out performed the first film in all accounts but that doesn't say much.

STORY

It has been quite awhile since the events in clash. Perseus, played by Sam Worthington, now has a son. He wants to live a normal life as a fisherman and neglects his godly relatives. Zeus, played by Liam Neeson, needs his help again. He tells him that the gods are losing their immortality due to people losing their faith in them. He tells them that the titans and other evil things will be unleashed on the world if he doesn't help him stop it. Perseus nicely tells his father to fuck off. Disappointed Zeus gathers his brothers to stop Kratos from being unleased. He is betrayed by Hedas and Ares. They made a deal with Kratos to capture Zeus in exchange that he lets them live. Zeus was having a shitty day.

Fuck you guys!

Perseus's village was attacked by a monster that almost had his son for lunch. This kicks him back into gear and decides to join the war. Apollo gives him his weapon to give to his bastard son Agenor, played by Toby Kebbell. Agenor is a thief and may by unworthy of such godly power. At least that's what Andromeda thinks. Now played by, Rosamund Pike, she joins them both on a quest to save the gods from the titans. This leads to one adventure that didn't disappoint with the action. Everything else well... that's why it's not doing so well.

Yeah it sucked!

ACTING

The acting here was better than the first. I saw chemistry between Rosamund and Sam that lacked with Alexa. It did feel like they wanted each other but I couldn't buy Rosamund as a warrior. Toby tried to be the comic relief but I found myself not laughing. He tried too hard and it came off on screen. I liked that the gods had more screen time but their performances felt wooden and stale. All their emotions felt forced. These guys are better actors than this and glad that this film won't be the only stand out on their resume.

Love birds!

SPECIAL EFFECTS

Once again this department rules. It's a true balls to the wall action film. I liked how they made Kratos look and the powers that he used. I thought it was a nice touch, having the gods fade away into nothing when killed. I would have let them explode with great power instead but you can't always get what you want. The special effects did not disappoint.

Eat me!

WRITING AND DIRECTING

This movie is written by too many writers to care for and directed by Jonathan Liebesman. The film actually made more sense than the first one. The story was straight forward and easy to follow. The characters were dull and I couldn't get invested in them. The directing wasn't bad though. It's an action movie so you know what to expect; Wide screen shots of the mayhem, fight scenes, comical reactions. It's all there. It brings nothing new to the table other than show how good the special effects team are at their job.

THE END

Skip it! This movie isn't great. If you like action then I recommend seeing it. Other than that it's a waste of time and money. I'm just hoping Warner Bros gets the memo. Probably not!

OVERALL


STORY 5 out of 10
ACTING 5 out of 10
SPECIAL EFFECTS 8 out of 10
WRITING 4 out of 10
DIRECTING 8 out of 10


OVERALL 6 out of 10 (DON"T WASTE YOUR TIME)