The Avengers Review (Minor Spoilers)



O God yes!

 THE MOVIE: CRITIC'S TAKE

It's about damn time! All this wait for the most anticipated movie of all time was tiring. Fan boys finally achieved their orgasms when the movie opened this past Friday. I decided to wait after the weekend was over to give some people a chance of seeing it so they could stop bothering me about it. I for one couldn't wait to see it and the excitement building around it was breathtaking. People standing in line dressed as Iron Man and Black Widow made the experience even more special. So for all this hype did the movie deliver the goods? I can say that this movie did give you everything you wanted but left you wanting more. That's not a bad thing either.

STORY

Something weird is happening at a S.H.I.E.L.D base that drew the attention of Nick Fury, played by Samuel L. Jackson. He enlisted Hawkeye, played by Jeremy Renney, to watch over the Tesseract. Loki, played by Tom Hiddleston, uses the  Tesseract to enter earth. He quickly disables everyone and takes Hawkeye as his stooge. Fearing that war may come to earth he invokes the Avenger clause. When shit hits the fan, call on the Avengers. One problem though. They may not give a damn.

I always care

Black Widow talks the Hulk into coming on board but only as a scientist. He and Tony Stark both hit it off once they meet. I wish I could say the same for him and Thor but they ended up on different pages and up each other's ass. Thor wants to take Loki back home but Iron Man and his crew needs him to find the Tesseract. After a physical disagreement Captian America was able to talk sense into both of them. After his Shield met Thor's Hammer of course.

Lets just be friends ok?

Once they detain Loki they immediately know something is up. Black Widow mentally seduces Loki into telling her what he wanted. That's to take control of the Hulk and send him into a back breaking rampage. Hawkeye and his crew finds them all and unleashes a shit storm upon them. This causes Bruce to get very angry and turns himself into the Hulk. He almost eats Black Widow until Thor came to the rescue. The fight that everyone want to see happened, proving that Thor can withstand the Hulk and the Hulk can toss Thor around like a rag doll. Thor found out the hard way that Gods can bleed.

You got to go see it for yourself

Loki manages to piss them all off by killing a trusted friend. Filled with vengeance they all come back together to not only save the world but kick the shit out of Loki. Captain emerges as their team leader and calls all the shots. The battle itself was epic and it was neat to see them all come together for a common purpose. The film is a thrill ride from beginning to end and a comic books lover dream come true. The Avengers lived up to the hype.

ACTING

The acting here was great. Every person played their character like they did in their own films. Mark Ruffalo played a better Hulk in my opinion than Edward Norton. He brought a different demeanor to the Hulk rather than being depressed all the time. The chemistry with the main super heroes was intact. Robert Downer Jr and Mark flowed great together while Chris Evans tried to fit in but ended up having tension with just about everyone else except for Jeremy and Scarlett Johansson. Samuel L. Jackson was dead on with everyone he touched and didn't lack a sense of nobility while being a straight up liar. Overall the acting was believable  which made the film even better.

Epic!

SPECIAL EFFECTS

The special effects were great for the eyes. You have to see it in 3D. It reminded me of Transformers 3. The 3D in that movie was better but the Avengers damn sure came close to surpassing it. The CGI looked real enough to please comic book fans and action lovers alike. The only thing that made me laugh was seeing Black Widow with that starter pistol shooting up the aliens. Like come on guys. You couldn't give that female Rambo a better weapon? Overall the special effects won't disappoint you.

Who is the Master?

WRITING AND DIRECTING

The film was written and directed by Joss Whedon. He was able to mix up the humor and the serious tone nicely. He captured the humor of Tony Stark, the soldier boy attitude of Captain America, Thor's Godly demeanor, and Hulk's ability to rip shit apart. He wrote some nail biting and intense scenes but some of the dialog could have been left out. The movie is predictable but I doubt that will matter in the long run. His directing didn't bring anything new. He was able to capture some spectacular shots but overall It's just another action packed movie. I did like it when Hulk knocked out a dinosaur like alien with one punch. A great scene for a great movie.

OVERALL

It's a must see. See it in IMAX and 3D. It's worth every penny. You might feel the need to watch it 2 or 3 times. I know a lot of people will. It's that type of movie that's so much fun you got to see it multiple times. It's a lot of fun and a great pick me up movie.

Knee to the head bitch!

OVERALL

STORY 6 out of 10
ACTING 7 out of 10
SPECIAL EFFECTS 8 out of 10
WRITING 7 out of 10
DIRECTING 8 out of 10

OVERALL 7 out of 10 (MUST SEE)

The Raven Review (Minor Spoilers)

Really? REALLY!

THE MOVIE: CRITIC'S TAKE

Why in the blue hell would they make a film about Edgar Allen Poe as a fake ass Sherlock Holmes? Why in the hell is John Cusack still acting? The trailer itself didn't help matters. It looked like a cheap ripoff of Seven and the bastard child of Saw. None the less I was willing to give this film a chance. I'm glad I did because it proved my fears right. It's a waste of time that should be avoided by any horror or thriller fan. We can watch better.

STORY 


This story takes place at a time where Mr. Poe is no longer the famous poet and author. He is an outcast in the literacy genre and no publisher is willing to touch his work. He is in debt struggling to make ends meet. He has filtered away as a drunk and it looks as if he has lost faith in himself but someone hasn't. A huge obsessive fan challenges Poe to a game of wits when he starts using his stories as an inspiration to his killing spree. He literally asks Poe to join in on the fun but Poe doesn't want to play the SAW game. That is until the killer kidnaps his girlfriend and gives Poe something to fight for. Can he pull it off or will this be the last story that Edgar will ever write?

O shit!

 ACTING


Yeah OK. More like forcibly acting. I couldn't feel any chemistry between John and Luke Evans. It seems as though these two guys don't mesh well. Everyone else were just playing their roles the best they could. I couldn't feel anything real from the characters except for Alice Eve. She seemed to be the only one that enjoyed herself.  Everyone else seemed as if they just came for the pay check.

Yucks!

SPECIAL EFFECTS


This movie is bloodier than I thought. It reminded me a lot of Seven. One of the scenes made me gag when I saw the killer stuff a little girl in the chimney. The gore is a little too excessive in some scenes. I did enjoy the scenery and how dark they made everything look. Watching as people were tortured and mutilated wasn't something I was expecting. Overall the team did it's job to make the movie better than it should be.

HELPPPPPPP!

WRITING AND DIRECTING


The film was written by Ben Livingston and Hannah Shakespeare. They put together a decent enough story that failed miserably. It started out as a promising movie but failed as the film went on. It was like the writers gave up on trying to be original and used left over plots from movies like Seven. The directing, however, wasn't bad. James McTeigue was able to capture the dread of the victims without making it too over the top. It's a shame that he had no choice but to fall in line with the Saw films. You will notice similar directing styles from the film. It's pretty much a ripoff of several films that did it better.

THE END 


Don't bother. Don't waste your money. Just leave it alone and maybe you will forget about it. The movie isn't that great and drags on too long. Maybe with a better cast this movie would have turned out alright. They should have hired people that gave a damn!

Shame on you!

OVERALL


STORY 4 out of 10
ACTING 5 out of 10
SPECIAL EFFECTS 7 out of 10
WRITING 4 out of 10
DIRECTING 6 out of 10


OVERALL 5 out of 10 (SKIP IT)

Cabin In the Woods Review (Minor Spoilers)



Funny and Campy

THE MOVIE: CRITIC'S TAKE

When I first saw the trailer I thought I was going to watch a horror movie. Then I saw who co wrote the film, Joss Whedon. I love this guy. He is able to take things with a serious tone and make it funny. I knew then that this film will be witty, funny, sometimes scary, and a thrill ride. After the movie I felt satisfied with what I saw. Others did not. I understand why though, since the trailer does deceive you but how else could you market this movie? You can't so they lied. It's still a fun film though.

STORY

A group of five friends are spending a weekend at a friends cousin's cabin deep in the woods. Dana, played by Kristen Connolly, is joining her best friend Jules, played by Anna Hutchison, and her boyfriend Curt, played by Chris Hemsworth, for a weekend get away. They are hooking her up with a cute friend of Curt's. They are hoping this will help her to get over her passed relationship with her professor. Marty, played by Fran Kranz, tags along to supply the weed and fun. As they leave we learn they are being monitored by an organization that is prepping them for something big.

Assholes with a hottie!

This company specializes in kissing the ancient gods' asses. They need to perform rituals all over the world so the ancient gods don't return and make everyone suffer. It's quite simple as long as the victims unknowingly play their part. Once everyone is acquainted the party begins. They let open the cellar door so the victims can choose their fate. There's a bunch of old stuff down there that if played with or opened can release a certain demon or monster. Lucky for them Dana read from a book that awakened a zombie family. A family that has a 100 percent clearance rate. In other words, they're fucked!

Like her!

 They weren't the only ones that was fucked though. The company itself is having a bad night. It seems that all the other rituals has failed and it's up to the Americans to pull it off. While one side is trying to get the friends killed, the friends themselves are fighting for their lives. It's a struggle that both sides won't give up. The ending was a breath of fresh air and gives you something to think about. The film itself was just plain fun.

See... monster fun!

ACTING

The acting seemed pretty good for a film like this. I preferred the scientists more than I did the actual college students. They showed more personality and were fun to watch on screen. The chemistry for the most part wasn't sparking but I did enjoy Fran's role. He brought humor and some pretty good one liners to the mix. It's the people behind the scenes that you're probably like the most. They had chemistry. The others were still looking for theirs'. 

I should have stayed my ass home.

SPECIAL EFFECTS

The overall effects were good. It didn't look like a low budget film until the CGI came in. I feel as though they could have done without all the silly monsters. When they were attacking I couldn't help but laugh and cringe. The gore is there when needed and it doesn't go too over the top. 

Well almost everything

WRITING AND DIRECTING

The film was written but Joss Whedon and Drew Goodard. They put together a neat story with multidimensional characters. They managed to juggle multiple story lines without it getting too messy. The dialog is a bit cheesy but it can be forgiven. Drew also directed the movie. It has a dark feel to it but he was able to mix it up with laughter and sarcasm. The environments are intriguing and everything is in full view. A great job by a great team. 

THE END

It's a must see, just not at the theaters. You should wait for DVD and watch it around Halloween. You'll enjoy it more. This movie is not a complete horror film. It actually makes fun of the genre while giving nods to fan favorites. It's a film that I think most of you will enjoy if you know what you're getting yourself into.

OVERALL

STORY 7 out of 10

ACTING 7 out of 10

SPECIAL EFFECTS 6 out of 10

WRITING 6 out of 10

DIRECTING 7 out of 10

OVERALL 7 out of 10 (WAIT FOR DVD)

Wrath Of The Titans Review (Minor Spoilers)



Not this crap again!

 THE MOVIE: CRITIC'S TAKE

Why in the blue hell did they make a sequel? Didn't 20th Century Fox get the memo about how bad the first one was? Yeah the special effects were hot but that really was it. Well Alexa was pretty hot too but that's for another subject. Despite all its flaws the producers thought they could make more money with a bigger budget and less of the bullshit. They were wrong. The movie didn't draw well and has no sign of picking up steam. It's a shame because this movie is an improvement and out performed the first film in all accounts but that doesn't say much.

STORY

It has been quite awhile since the events in clash. Perseus, played by Sam Worthington, now has a son. He wants to live a normal life as a fisherman and neglects his godly relatives. Zeus, played by Liam Neeson, needs his help again. He tells him that the gods are losing their immortality due to people losing their faith in them. He tells them that the titans and other evil things will be unleashed on the world if he doesn't help him stop it. Perseus nicely tells his father to fuck off. Disappointed Zeus gathers his brothers to stop Kratos from being unleased. He is betrayed by Hedas and Ares. They made a deal with Kratos to capture Zeus in exchange that he lets them live. Zeus was having a shitty day.

Fuck you guys!

Perseus's village was attacked by a monster that almost had his son for lunch. This kicks him back into gear and decides to join the war. Apollo gives him his weapon to give to his bastard son Agenor, played by Toby Kebbell. Agenor is a thief and may by unworthy of such godly power. At least that's what Andromeda thinks. Now played by, Rosamund Pike, she joins them both on a quest to save the gods from the titans. This leads to one adventure that didn't disappoint with the action. Everything else well... that's why it's not doing so well.

Yeah it sucked!

ACTING

The acting here was better than the first. I saw chemistry between Rosamund and Sam that lacked with Alexa. It did feel like they wanted each other but I couldn't buy Rosamund as a warrior. Toby tried to be the comic relief but I found myself not laughing. He tried too hard and it came off on screen. I liked that the gods had more screen time but their performances felt wooden and stale. All their emotions felt forced. These guys are better actors than this and glad that this film won't be the only stand out on their resume.

Love birds!

SPECIAL EFFECTS

Once again this department rules. It's a true balls to the wall action film. I liked how they made Kratos look and the powers that he used. I thought it was a nice touch, having the gods fade away into nothing when killed. I would have let them explode with great power instead but you can't always get what you want. The special effects did not disappoint.

Eat me!

WRITING AND DIRECTING

This movie is written by too many writers to care for and directed by Jonathan Liebesman. The film actually made more sense than the first one. The story was straight forward and easy to follow. The characters were dull and I couldn't get invested in them. The directing wasn't bad though. It's an action movie so you know what to expect; Wide screen shots of the mayhem, fight scenes, comical reactions. It's all there. It brings nothing new to the table other than show how good the special effects team are at their job.

THE END

Skip it! This movie isn't great. If you like action then I recommend seeing it. Other than that it's a waste of time and money. I'm just hoping Warner Bros gets the memo. Probably not!

OVERALL


STORY 5 out of 10
ACTING 5 out of 10
SPECIAL EFFECTS 8 out of 10
WRITING 4 out of 10
DIRECTING 8 out of 10


OVERALL 6 out of 10 (DON"T WASTE YOUR TIME)

RANT PART 2: WHAT IF A ZOMBIE OUTBREAK REALLY HAPPENED?

O shit!

WHY AM I DOING THIS?

Because I freaking can and zombie movies are in today like glittering vampires. The Walking Dead is a hit and the anime show High School Of The Dead is a smash. There are countless zombie movies on the market and more are being made. It brings us a world of imagination of how things would be if the world went to shit over night. How would we act? What would we do? Would we still have our morals? Do we even have any morals or are we just scared of society's consequence? I say if a zombie outbreak ever did happen we humans will revert back to our true form of survival, and that's not a good thing.

Yeah that!

No worries though right? A zombie outbreak will never happen. There isn't a thing on this earth that could cause an outbreak of this nature. I'm just a crazy little fool who needs to go out and get laid more often. Well I got news for you. I doubt there will be a virus that can actually reanimate the dead to do its bidding but there is a slight chance that evolution may kick us in the ass or should I say bite us on the neck.

Yummy!

GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!

No seriously! Scientists believe that one day, the rabies virus may mutate into more of a vicious son of a bitch that could spread like wild fire. Rabies is the closest thing to a zombie outbreak. It can only be passed through bites and can make you violent. They believe that a strain my be born that can cause people and animals to become more violent and more deadly than any disease before. I do find this to be hogwash but I can't help but think how it would be if this ever came true. A real life 28 days later. Awesome until we are being chased by them.

Awwwwwww!!!

Another way is a parasite that controls rats. This little fucker gets into the rat's brain and commands it to find a cat so it can get eaten. The reason being is because this parasite can only breed inside a cat's intestines. O and I found out that half of the worlds population is infected with this very parasite and it does control us a little. If a lady has a lot of cats more than likely it's because she's infected with the parasite. Isn't that some shit?

Parasite for a tongue bitch!

So what would happen if this parasite evolved to control humans the way it sees fit? They could use our dead bodies to spread its offspring to other humans. Parasites do this to other insects so why can't they do it to us? O wait they do!!!

SO WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF THIS OCCURRED?

CHAOS! The world would go to shit. Imagine when your parents aren't home or if your wife is out the house for a few hours. We lose our fucking minds; walking around the house naked, drinking beer in your underwear while watching sports, masturbating to porn with the sound on, it's an awesome time. Now imagine where there is no more government. Can you imagine the looting that would take place? No one would be safe. You have to worry about the infected and also the crazies and rapists.

It's even in the bible

For those of you who read The Walking Dead you get the idea of how society would handle it. First the military would do it's best. After their failure the people are forever on their own until the outbreak passes. During those months or maybe years people will revert back to their natural instinct. But what is the natural instinct? Well to put it bluntly it's to eat, drink, find shelter, and fuck! Women won't have a say in almost anything because there is no laws to protect them. Sure they can fight back but not every female can beat up a man. Even those that can will run into a man they can't and he will turn them into his personal sex machine. Women will have no choice but to fall back into their old roles or become forever rape victims.

I think not!

We would probably have civil wars between leaders. I'm not talking about real leaders but wannabes. You know that kid from walmart? Yeah he has or is a part of a gang. Your professor? Probably dead or a loner but if not he's part of a crew. If you're reading this your probably end up in some group. What do they all have in common? Wanting to find a safe place to live and repopulate the earth. Problem is there isn't enough room for all that shit, so people will fight over it. If you have a safe home and won't let anyone else in, you better be ready to fight for it. Everyone will think this way and act this way. Not everyone will become rapists, sick murderers, or just go plain crazy but people will have to fight for their lives.

ARE YOU DONE YET!

Fuck yes I'm done. I secretly wish that there is a zombie outbreak so I don't have to pay anymore bills and kill some shit. A lot of people feel the same way too. It's a fantasy that some of us dream about but we all know would cry like a bitch if it actually happened.  We live out our fantasies watching zombie movies and playing Resident Evil. A zombie outbreak will never happen unless the devil sends god a note saying "There's no more room in hell!" and he says "Fuck it! They need a good kick in the ass anyway."

The Hunger Games Review (Minor Spoilers)

Let the games begin!

THE MOVIE: CRITIC'S TAKE

The hunger games is one of the best selling novels of all time. It has excitement, violence, a good story to tell, and star crossed lovers. After watching the trailer it looked promising enough to do the book justice. After watching the film I can say it's not a disappointment. I loved the style of the film and how it forced the actors to show fear and pity with their emotions and not their words. This movie is a must see for all book lovers.

STORY

The 74th hunger games is about to begin but for the residents of district 12 things aren't so exciting. Katniss sister is having nightmares about the games. Katniss reassures her that this is the first time her name is up for grabs but she needs not to worry. The odds of her getting picked are slim. She wanders off in the woods to catch some food but is interrupted by a trusted friend. He wants to move away from the districts and live in the woods. He invites Katniss to come along but she declines. She has very little interest for that life style and she doesn't see her sister living that way either. She will later wish she took him up on the offer because her sister was indeed picked for the hunger games!

I love my sister!

She decides to volunteer and take her sister's place. A boy named Peeta, played by Josh Hutcherson, is also picked for district 12. On the road to the games they meet their mentor Haymitch, played by Woody Harrelson. He is a drunk and has little interest in helping them win. This upsets Katniss to the point of challenging him. It wakes him up and he gives the advice that will keep them alive. He thinks that Peeta has what it takes to survive longer due to his social skills, but Katniss has the survival instinct to outlast everyone. Knowing this, Peeta tells the world that he has a crush on Katniss. This infuriates her but Haymitch sees an opportunity he could not miss.

Fuck you all!

He uses this to bill them as star crossed lovers, making them favorites. This gets them sponsors to send them food and medicine. It even gets the capital to change the ruling from having only one winner to two, if both come from the same district. This drives Katniss to team up with the clever Peeta to win the games together, but will he win over her heart is the real question. Too bad the other district tributes weren't on the same board.

Like this guy.

ACTING

The actors did a good job with their roles. I liked how they showed their fear and not talked about it. Jennifer Lawerence didn't need words to show her emotions. Josh and Lawerence had enough chemistry to pass as pretending lovers. I even wanted to see them kiss but it didn't happen. Woody Harrelson played his character to the bone which may make the fans happy. I even enjoyed Wes Bently's role because he was a likable villain. Actually I don't think he was a villain, just a man doing his job. Donald Sutherland played the cold hearted President Snow. He gave off an eerie presence that tied a knot in peoples throats. A job well done for most of the cast.

Where's the vodka?

SPECIAL EFFECTS

The effects are simply eye popping. Loved the fire on the dress scene. It was classy and not over the top. Everything looked as real as it could be for that type of world. Loved the unique outfits and hair cuts. It made the film feel more stylish and reminds me of the Fifth Element. It could have used more violence but I can live with that.

Too cool!

WRITING AND DIRECTING

The film was written by too many writers to care for and Gary Ross. The story flows at the right pace setting up the main characters and people that you will care for later on. I just wished they had more character development for the other tributes. Their deaths would have been more meaningful if they had more lines. The directing was nicely done and kept the tone of the movie. I felt like I was watching a classic and not a action snuff movie.  I wish this team works together on the sequel because they really have something going here.

THE END

It's a must see. The movie is a classic. Some people may not like the action because it was shot in a different tone. It's not an action packed movie but more of a love story and trust between friends. I say go see the film. You won't regret it.

Well maybe not everyone!

OVERALL

STORY 8 out of 10
ACTING 7 out of 10
SPECIAL EFFECTS 7 out of 10
WRITING 8 out of 10
DIRECTING 7 out of 10

OVERALL 8 out of 10 (MUST SEE)

P.S. A little girl dies during the film. Very sad so bring a tissue.

American Reunion Review (Minor Spoilers)

Yummy!

THE MOVIE: CRITIC'S TAKE

I always wondered how this group of characters would turn out. Would Stifler finally grow up? Would Jim and Michelle last as a married couple? And most importantly did Finch continue to bang Stifler's mom? All those questions were answered and then some in this comical sequel involving the original cast. I received a free screening and was delighted to see it two weeks before its release. I won't give away a lot of spoilers but I will say that the film still has the same feel of the other three and it's a must see.

STORY

It begins with Jim, played by Jason Biggs, and his wife Michelle, played by Alyson Hannigan, trying to put their baby to sleep. They finally do and they see an opportunity to get busy, but not with each other. It leaves Jim with a bloody dick and Michelle being caught with the shower hose. Jim learns that his ten year reunion is being held and hopes to get the gang together to relive their best memories. They all agree but doesn't want Stifler around to mess up their bond. Stifler is now someones bitch and wishes that he was still in high school again. He catches his friends at the bar and wonders why he wasn't invited. Luckily he's a dumb ass and they trick him into believing their BS story. They will wish that they would have shown some balls because Stifler got the party started and their lives almost ruined.

O yeah!

Wild antics ensued! Jim got involved with a high school student that wanted him to take her virginity. She wasn't going to take no for an answer and Jim spent most of the movie trying to fight her off and not give in to temptation. Oz, played by Chris Klein, has a wild and horny girlfriend that may be too much for him. He meets up with Heather, played by Mena Suvari, and her backstabbing boyfriend. Together they learn that they should have ended up together but will that be enough for them to rekindle their old flame? Finch manages to get into some trouble and fun of his own and Stifler is well Stifler, getting into trouble and causing mayhem. It was fun to watch.

SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS!

ACTING

I couldn't find anything wrong with this department. Everyone had chemistry together. I enjoyed seeing Jason and Alyson together again. They looked so cute together. Chris and Mena pulled off the long lost lovers role pretty well. The man to see here was Sean William Scott. He brought this film to life with his whack humor and silly facial expressions. Every time he was on screen I couldn't help but laugh. I guess It's good to make movies with friends.

Class of  99

SPECIAL EFFECTS

The effects here were pretty funny. I enjoyed the lighting and the atmosphere the most. They didn't shy away from the crude humor and you will see lots of tits and ass and male penises swinging your way. One female actually squirts in Stifler's mouth which made him look like he stuck his head into the toilet. It was disgusting but very funny.

Pretty!

WRITING AND DIRECTING

The film was written by Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg. They did a great job with keeping the story at a decent pace and not neglecting any of the main characters. The dialog wasn't too bad either and nothing seemed forced. They wrote some good humor that will make you laugh out loud. Some of their problems were a bore but most of it will grab your attention. The directing is the best in the series. Nothing seemed out of focus and they were able to keep the actors true to their characters. They did an amazing job.

THE END

The movie is a must see. I loved how they were able to recapture the feel of the first two films (don't get me started on the third). It's funny, exciting, and wild. It will make a good date movie or a pre bar film before you have fun with the boys or girls. It's not a waste of money at all.

Buddies for life!!!

OVERALL


STORY 8 out of 10
ACTING 8 out of 10
SPECIAL EFFECTS 7 out of 10
WRITING 8 out of 10
DIRECTING 8 out of 10


OVERALL 8 out of 10 (MUST SEE)

P.S. Jim's dad is a riot as well!!!